A Cure for Resentments
The prayer doesn't work if I can't see the cause
“So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us!”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 62 (Step Three)
“Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have not only been mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 64 (Step Four)
I got a resentment first thing this morning. And from that resentment I thought of another. That’s just how resentments blossom. They start off with something that doesn’t matter at all—an email, and grow to all of the actions of others that are all of a sudden really bothering me. Why does this happen? What makes me arise, hit my knees in prayer to start my day right with God, and then it all goes to hell 15 minutes later? I am an alcoholic, that’s why. I am selfish and self-centered, even at 5:00 am.
My Step Four resentment problem started back in Step Three with my selfishness and self-centeredness. As soon as I feel the resentment, I know that my selfishness is on the rise once again. It’s all about me. When I get angry at one thing and then it makes me angry about a whole other issue or person, it is always based in self. My security, social, and sexual instincts all get out of whack as I perceive that I am not getting what I want or need. There is no you or what your needs are when the selfishness starts. I am angry and I cannot see you at all, except with how you have fallen way short of my very high expectations.
The scary thing is that God completely disappears in my resentment and selfishness. Now my Step Four and Three problem turns into the return of insanity and no God. With insanity and no God I am actually back at Step One—I am powerless. Lack of power is surely my dilemma. My warped thinking, if I keep living in the resentment, will take me back to the first drink. I need to remember my First Step and the price I will ultimately pay for my resentment. Is it worth it today? Surely not.
“The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success” (Alcoholics Anonymous p. 60). When I am in resentment that is leading automatically to more resentments, I am certainly in self-will. Perhaps not in my actions, but definitely in my thinking. And my disease centers in my mind. I never take an action without thinking first. That’s right: the thought always precedes the action. So, just because I am not doing something right now based on my resentment doesn’t mean that I am not in self-will, because I clearly am. I am in the sickness of the disease of alcoholism even if I am just thinking of the perceived wrongs of others but doing nothing about them. The resentment festers and grows. It gets worse and never better.
I have to have spiritual help.
I have to believe that I will pick up a drink if I don’t get rid of this resentment.
I am grateful that I do believe this. I never underestimate the power of my mind to actually kill me.
Being taken back to my First Step is so important. A good friend shared with me this week, as he was getting to the meeting early to set up, that he had a thought in his head. He realized he had two choices: to go to AA or to drink again. That is profound. It is such a simple idea, but when we get time in the program, we often lose our connection to the First Step. I think some of us live in the delusion that we will never drink again. That we are fine, doing well, everything is going great.
God realizes that I need help. But I need to realize that I need God’s help. What am I willing to do to relieve me of the burden of this resentment? Am I willing to really ask God for help? Do I have a big enough conception of a Higher Power that can relieve me of my bondage of self? Or am I still leaving God on the sidelines, just expecting him to do my will? To hell with thy will not mine be done.
The Sick Man’s Prayer is wonderful, if in fact I understand that I am the one who needs help.
“We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend” (Alcoholics Anonymous p. 67).
God, please help me. I am so angry. I am so hurt. I don’t know how to get rid of this resentment. Please help me see your children the way you do. Relieve me of the bondage of self so that I can really see that we are all the same. We are all hurting. Other alcoholics and people affected by this disease are just as selfish and self-centered as I am. Can I show them mercy today? Can I understand that they are just doing the best they can, just like I am? Can I show them the same mercy you are already showing me by making me aware of this resentment?
One of the first things I learned in AA was that God is always the answer. No matter what the question, God is the answer. God relieves my selfishness and self-centeredness when I focus on him and not myself. I rely on God and not on me. I simply cannot do any of this without God’s help—and that is my surrender for today.