A Little Time or A Lot of Time

A different look at sobriety dates

“About this slip business…For some reason or other, the Lord has laid out tougher paths for some of us, and I guess you are treading one of them. God is not asking us to be successful. He is only asking us to try to be. That, you are surely doing…So I would not stay away from A.A. through any feeling of discouragement or shame. It’s just the place you should be. Why don’t you try just as a member? You don’t have to carry the whole A.A. on your back, you know! It is not always the quantity of good things you do, it is also the quality that counts. Above all, take it one day at a time.”

-Bill W. (Letter 1958, published in As Bill Sees It p. 11)

“To 1950, the year of his death, he carried the A.A. message to more than 5,000 alcoholic men and women.”

-Referencing Dr. Bob (Introduction to “Dr. Bob’s Nightmare” Alcoholics Anonymous p. 171)

In A.A. where I got sober, there is a tradition of newcomers with less than thirty days of sobriety having to raise their hands at the beginning of the meeting, announcing they are new.  My alcoholic loved one, a chronic relapser, was tortured by this constant humiliation.  He sometimes would not go to A.A. because he simply did not want to raise his hand again.  Now it is easy for us who have some years in the program to sit on the sidelines and judge such a person.  We reason that of course these relapsers need to have some damn humility—that it is because of their pride and ego that they keep getting drunk.  But honestly, he felt humiliated, not humbled.  He already felt like a constant failure for not being able to put more than 30 or 60 days together, regardless of having and using a sponsor, working another fourth step inventory, helping a lot of guys, or simply showing up at meetings.  His alcoholism could not be unlocked.  To this day his disease remains a mystery to all who have cared about him.  He is not sober.

Thanks to Al-Anon and my own pride-leveling experiences with self-will, I now have a great deal of compassion for this alcoholic.  Because of him I went to Al-Anon and learned about this disease from the other side.  I can sponsor today because of the principles I have gained in the Al-Anon program.  I have real love for the people who struggle. 

Which brings me to today’s topic, which is sobriety dates.  There is a lot of ego when it comes to sobriety dates. Ego on both sides: among those who don’t have time and have been encouraged or told to change their date based on using substances other than alcohol to change the way they feel, but also among those who are self-righteously smug about having so much time.  I had a long talk with a new sponsor last week.  I am so happy that I have a Big Book sponsor in the Al-Anon program as well as in A.A.  She knows the book, and that is powerful.  I also know the book, but from many years of A.A. experience.  It is incredible to look at our beloved Big Book from the Al-Anon perspective, and I have learned a whole lot about my own selfishness, dishonesty, self-pity, and self-centeredness when it comes to the alcoholics I love in the process of studying the Big Book in Al-Anon.

This sponsor said this about sobriety dates:  they are all based on ego.  And Dr. Bob would have none of it.  He had just a little time in the program and constantly helped others.  Time does not equal our ability or inability to help another suffering person, whether in A.A. or Al-Anon.  Newcomers help me all of the time, but I guess I have always seen things differently.  I have always seen new people as equals.  Perhaps it is because my sober life has always been a bit messy.  Perhaps it is because I have always been all heart with the ability to love that comes from my faith in God.  But whatever the reason, I don’t think time matters at all when forming friends and relationships with other recovering people. 

Take a look at those you know in program who are helping others and those who are not.  You will see that the people with the most zeal for carrying the message are those with not a lot of time.  They may have six months, or a year, or two years.  They are constantly bringing people to meetings, taking them out for coffee or a meal, and working steps with them.  They are on the phone with other newcomers. 

Yes, there are certainly many people like me with time who are also very active in helping others through service and sponsorship.  However, these newer people are on fire for the program.  I have a close friend who reminds me a lot of Dr. Bob.  He has about seven years and he is constantly bringing guys from the sober living to our meetings.  He sponsors many of them.  He also helps the women.  He loves God like few others I have ever known—and so he takes God’s work seriously. 

The time is not what matters.  It is what I am doing with my sober time.  Some people come in once a year to an A.A. meeting just to collect their chip.  Yes, they have great lives and their families are healed.  But they are doing absolutely nothing for the newcomer.  They are practicing the principles, which is so important, but there is another part of Step Twelve which is being ignored.  I used to get so pissed when I saw people just come in to collect their chip.  But then, watching these same folks year after year, I saw that they did not have the quality of sobriety that I still wanted for myself.  So my constant judgment turned to compassion. 

This disease constantly talks to all of us, whether we are alcoholic or Alanons. It tells us we are fine.  We don’t need to do the program.  We don’t need the sponsor.  We don’t need the steps.  We don’t need as many meetings.  We don’t need to help others. 

The disease talks to those with a little time and to those with a lot of time—the voice just sounds slightly different, but it is the same evil and corroding thread threatening all of us, and with a single goal: to get us to pick up the drink again.  Period. 

Now if the disease of alcoholism wants to destroy all of us equally, then maybe we are all the same, regardless of our sobriety dates.  Just maybe sobriety dates are not that important.  Maybe staying sober one day at a time is the point.  My good friend Mike, who passed away earlier this year, used to say that whoever got up earliest today has the most time.  I think I will take this perspective with me to my meeting this morning. 

Thank God for sobriety—for all of us.