Approval-seeking has to go

Living in dignity with the choices I make today

"Relationships are complicated because people are complicated. We each have our own ideas, values, and hopes, and they can’t always coincide with the desires of those we love. Disagreements can be healthy and enlightening if we view them as a way to develop and deepen our relationships. Kindness and respect for everyone concerned will go a long way toward making this possible.”

-Courage to Change April 13

It has been months of tying myself into knots trying to please everyone in my life—my family, my friends, people in the program. Everyone wanted me to be someplace I simply wasn’t. So I would sort-of agree and even sometimes go along with what they were saying, even though in my heart I didn’t feel that way at all. So much for to thine own self be true. For me it was more like “be true to everyone else and lose yourself in the process.”

I can never live up to the expectations of others. But that is not the problem. The problem is that I think I should live up to their expectations and deny myself in trying to do so. This is clearly my problem—not theirs. Living at the whims and anxieties of those around me has made me just as crazy as the end of the relationship that hurt me deeply.

As a result of really trying to fix myself to please others, some pretty significant changes have occurred. I am no longer honest with some people. I keep more secrets. I no longer express what my heart is feeling, what my mind is thinking. I have people-pleased myself to death and am now at the other extreme of the pendulum—cut them out of my lives and trust no one.

And this is not a great place to live either. One improvement is that at least now I am being true to myself. By trying to please everyone I was in fact pleasing no one—including myself. But to save myself from all of the advice-giving I have really stopped sharing that which is so important to me. Being honest is what got and has kept me sober all of these years. And so now that I was reserving my true thoughts, having disappointed nearly everyone who just didn’t want to see me get hurt again, I was on my own—just me and God.

And thank goodness that I have a good relationship with a very compassionate and loving Higher Power. This God of my understanding led me straight to an answer to the pain and isolation I have been experiencing—daily Al-Anon meetings.

I have been going to Al-Anon meetings for many years and have never left. I used Al-Anon as an extra to my AA program, kind of like I do with church. I hadn’t been living with an alcoholic for many years and just didn’t think I needed Al-Anon as much as I did AA. After all, AA keeps me sober one day at a time. I sponsor in AA. I do service in AA. AA is a huge part of my life.

However, I do qualify for Al-Anon, and that is why I have always gone to that program as well. I always seem to fall for alcoholics. I was married to an alcoholic, I was in a relationship with an alcoholic-addict for four years, and I was in my most recent relationship with a dry alcoholic. That is a lot of alcoholics! And I really never fit these pieces together—I love alcoholics. I am attracted to alcoholics.

And I have been devastated over and over by alcoholic relationships.

My sponsor has recently suggested that maybe I am a real Al-Anon and not just a double-winner. That really hit me. I really do belong in Al-Anon. It is not just my “extra” program to explore past relationships with alcoholics. It is my present experience. My reaction to alcoholics is twisted and insane—just as nonsensical as the alcoholic’s reaction is to drinking. I am truly my own qualifier to the Al-Anon program. I will always take my own alcoholism seriously. I am big on practicing the AA disciplines of Steps 10, 11, and 12. However, the isolation I have been experiencing and the horrible defect of approval-seeking that I can’t seem to get rid of have not been answered through my AA program.

And I have discovered an answer. I am so relieved that I have finally found some real relief for myself and the constant sadness of not only losing another relationship (albeit an alcoholic one for sure), but also of having lost much of the intimacy with the people I care most about.

The answer is simple, right in front of my face, and I had no idea it was there. I had no idea it would work the real magic it has. The answer was lots and lots of Al-Anon meetings. Sometimes two a day. But almost every single day without fail. I find I can let go of all of this and actually feel better when I go to a meeting. And God is so a part of this—without a doubt!

My sponsor has me working steps out of a workbook called Reaching for Personal Freedom. Wouldn’t you know that two of the meetings I have joined purely by happenstance are using that book? I learned that other members are and have done a lot of work out of what they affectionately call “The Tree Book”. These are people just like me. I actually opened up at one of these step studies a couple of days ago and admitted that I loved alcoholics. Another member then told me she also loved alcoholics and had married four of them! I instantly felt better. I belonged.

I am beginning to accept that I love alcoholics. I am starting to lose the shame I have felt for so long of no longer being able to control an alcoholic or an alcoholic relationship. That is way beyond my understanding. My sponsor reminds me that alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. My Higher Power is showing me through these other members that it is okay to be exactly where I am today. I can just be me. I don’t have to make anyone else happy—the alcoholic or my family and friends. I am incredibly lucky that God provided me such an obvious solution and saved me from the pit ONE MORE TIME.