Be gentle with yourself

Being human is not a character defect

“If I am being hard on myself, I can stop and remember that I deserve gentleness and understanding from myself. Being human is not a character defect! Today I will be gentle with my humanness.”

-Courage to Change May 30

I was sitting at one of my first AA meetings. As usual I was beating the crap out of myself as I shared of my failings as a mother and as an employee. My alcoholism had progressed to the extent that I had lost my job and had given away my responsibility as a parent. After the meeting, a wonderful woman named Kris said these amazing words to me: Be gentle with yourself.

What I didn’t realize then, and what has taken me years to accept since then, is that my striving for perfection disallowed any opportunity for me to do this. I could not be gentle with myself. I hated myself for what my life had become. It has taken many years in Al-Anon and AA, with many talks to sponsors, many 7th step prayers, and many inventories to discover just how damning my self-criticism has been.

This low self-worth was strengthened by my relationship with the alcoholic when I was in my early years of sobriety. I couldn’t save him. And I myself was sinking back into the life of non-recovery with him: police, jails, courts, late-night calls, drunken fights. It was a devastating way of existing (because it sure wasn’t living) that fed my self-hatred in a way nothing else ever had.

But the seed of gentleness had been planted from that early AA member. And then I found it again in my first Al-Anon meeting. The gentleness of those members astonished me. I could do no wrong with them. This was love in its purest form. They did not try to talk me out of loving an alcoholic. They just showed me how to love myself.

I am still very hard on myself for not being “perfect.” But today I know that only my Higher Power is perfect. I am just along for the ride in his care and protection. And when I do have a moment when I am mad at myself for making a mistake, I have a much better chance of letting God in to show me that gentleness. And I can do this quickly. I no longer have to sit in the self-loathing. Being human is not a character defect. I am not a character defect.

I try to share from the heart my own experience, strength, and hope in both the AA and Al-Anon programs. It is the HOW that has helped me stay sober and sane. I share these experiences every day in my daily meditation book: With Gratitude. Thank you so much for supporting my writing. May your HP give YOU gentleness one day at a time.