“But my friend sat before me, and he made the point-blank declaration that God had done for him what he could not do for himself. His human will had failed. Like myself, he had admitted complete defeat. Then he had, in effect, been raised from the dead, suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the best he had ever known. Had this power originated in him? Obviously it had not.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 11
I was lucky enough to attend a spiritual retreat for high school seniors last week. It was an exhausting venture. It was also so inspiring and cleansing. I was able to humble myself completely and put my pride aside to reconcile with my son. I got notes from the kids telling me how much I gave them hope and faith—how they admired my story and my ability to thrive in adversity. I will tell you that anything I have in this life is because of God. The power just isn’t within me, so when these young people see me, they are actually seeing God working through me on a daily basis. This includes the joy as well as the pain and messiness of life. It is all real—all authentic. This is the woman I have become as a direct result of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I have been re-reading “Bill’s Story” and have been seeing it in a completely different light. I am beginning to understand real powerlessness. Thanks to strong sponsorship in both programs, I have been redirected time and time again to seek God and His will for me. I have been experiencing an inability to change my thinking, my attitudes, and my actions. And the great truth has been presented to me over and over again: I cannot change under my own power. I have to have God’s help.
Self-sufficiency is so dangerous—and alluring. With a little time in sobriety, I think the great “I” can do anything! I am the all-powerful Oz who gets knocked down time and time again as I attempt to control the uncontrollable: alcoholism and the effects of alcoholism. My latest venture has been trying to control my own feelings. Certainly “I” can do this! I can just go to more meetings, talk it out with other alcoholics and alanonics. Certainly, I can figure this thing out on my own. But no, alas, that is not what has happened. My score card read zero as once again I have attempted to manage and control my own thinking. Like Ebbie and then Bill, I had to have God’s help.
And when I seek God, He shows up. When I run out of good ideas, God is there. When I want to withhold from my sponsor due to sheer embarrassment and shame, God says “No, you’re going to tell her the truth.” And so I follow God’s will, not out of a sense of holiness or any kind of goodness. No! I follow him because I have come to the end of myself. Selfishness and self-centeredness are still the root of my problem. The problem has been and will always be self. When am I finally going to understand that of mySELF I am nothing—it’s the Father who doeth the work?
The Twelfth Step and that intensive work with other alcoholics has relieved me of this bondage of self. I see real powerlessness in those who have relapsed time and time again. They are teachable because their disease has kicked the shit out of them once again. Can I be this teachable? As I began to feel more and more hopeless about my ability to manage and control my own life, I started to sense that God was the answer. Complete trust. Complete reliance. Complete obedience. I couldn’t do it—but God could.
Ebbie sat at a table and talked to Bill. There would be no AA without Ebbie. This is not lost on me. Thank God for the people who suit up and show up for the program—those who work so hard to help other alcoholics. And I am one of them. The great fact is that I practice Step Twelve now most of the time because I really want to, not because I have to to save my own skin. This is such a blessing.
God has the power. When I run out of options—He is always there if I will just surrender and humble myself. Although I don’t like the way humility feels, I do love the result.