Confusion and grace

Living faith in life's uncertainty

"That’s why today, when I am feeling confused, I try to consider it grace. It may not yet be time for me to act.”

-Courage to Change Feb. 14

I have really taken advantage of this season of Advent. I have attended church, lit my Advent candles each Sunday, gone to reconciliation, and done two different Advent scripture studies. The theme of Advent is waiting. And waiting involves time for reflection, time to heal, and time to be with myself. It is a time to let God into my innermost circle, into the most important relationship: the relationship of me and God.

I happen to practice a specific faith, but that is not required to practice this season of waiting. In fact, one of the driving forces behind my decision to really practice my faith during this season was one of deep confusion and desperation. Not knowing the right answers or the right actions. This has quite literally brought me to my knees in search of God’s help—His answers. And his response: Wait.

So, in the meantime, I do what God directs me to do during times of uncertainty. I go to lots of meetings, help my sponsees, talk to my sponsor and meet her at meetings, pray, meditate, read my literature, go to work, and take care of my home.

But because this is a very special season to me, the season of Christmas, I have also made a decision in this season of waiting to take advantage of everything this beautiful season has to offer. I have made cookies, bought gifts for friends and family, gazed at the beautiful Christmas lights as I drive down different streets, sent Christmas cards, and celebrated with my students, my recovery friends, and my family.

I don’t yet have the answers I am searching for, and I am embracing this uncertainty instead of running from it. Yet it can be tempting to rush ahead and take an action too soon. It reminds me of yesterday, when I was baking oatmeal candy cane cookies. For the first batch, I didn’t let them bake long enough in the oven. I rushed to take them out too soon, and they never set correctly. And then trying to lift them up with a spatula once they cooled was a mess of sticking and torn apart cookies. I did not wait. I forced a solution, which I always used to do, and the result was not what I wanted—a beautiful first sheet of cookies. So for the next several batches, I made sure to wait. And they turned out just fine.

I can choose to live in uncertainty today with God’s help—and God’s never-ending help is the key here. I have been praying ceaselessly for the past two months. I have been talking to him as the friend he is and asking for his presence and help. I have been asking for His will to be done, not mine. When I have fallen, I have asked him to get me back on course. I want to do His will; I just don’t always know what that it. So I trust. I have, as my friend Rich says, “an unconditional faith”. I will have faith in the God who loves me no matter what happens. I consciously made that decision once again last fall.

This is where that decision pays off. This is where the practice pays off. Practicing trust in my Higher Power has given me the grace during these times of uncertainty to really know that God is here and working in my best interest. That God really does care for me, even in the pain and sadness. Even when life changes so abruptly. Even when I am crying in my bed, in my car, or at work. I am okay with all of my emotions today and am not afraid to feel them, because I know God has got me.

Earlier this week, I was thinking about taking an action to alleviate the discomfort I was feeling about my uncertainty. I was just about ready to do it when a sponsee called me and unloaded about her day. And then I knew: taking that action would have been a mistake. It would have been forcing a solution. It would not have alleviated any of my ongoing confusion but would have only made me feel relief for the moment. I was so grateful for that phone call. Oftentimes not taking any action is the best course in times of uncertainty. So I guess I am learning. Learning to wait. Learning to pause. Learning to trust that the right course of action will come in God’s perfect timing. After all, I have been praying for God’s will, and not mine, to be done. And so I will wait.