“We began to see each adversity as a God-given opportunity to develop the kind of courage which is born of humility, rather than of bravado.” -Bill W.
“If my fear had simply been removed, I might never have known that I am capable of acting on my own behalf.” -Courage to Change April 28
Can I believe that my situation is not really hopeless, and that I am capable of improving it? This is the question posed to me this morning as I read my ODAT (One Day at a Time in Al-Anon) meditation book. I am going to be honest. A little over a month ago, I really did think my situation was hopeless. I thought I was completely powerless to make any positive changes in either my attitude or my situation. And this had me absolutely stuck in an endless pattern of despair.
Yes, I am feeling grief over several losses during the past year: the loss of a dream, the loss of friendship, and the loss of friends to death. I do feel the grief intensely at times. The emotions come up and sit with me—sometimes for an entire day. (This is the gift of continued recovery. It’s a day and not weeks, months, or years any longer.)
But the problem is not the grief. The grief comes in waves. The problem lay in the fact that I honestly believed I could not both accept change nor could I affect change in my own life. I felt completely stuck. In fact, this same ODAT book confirms my stuck-ness when it speaks about my feeling sorry for myself, my self-pity. Yes. You read that right. I am an expert at feeling sorry for myself—feeling myself an absolute victim of my circumstances. This is always where the disease brings me right back to. Complete hopelessness rooted in self-pity.
AA’s constantly talk about the “On Awakening” reading on page 86 in Step Eleven of the Big Book. The third sentence: “Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.” Notice that self-pity is listed by Bill Wilson first on that list—even before dishonesty or self-seeking! Oh, he knew us—and himself—so well. And not just alcoholics, but Al-Anons. Anyone affected by this disease. And, quite honestly, that is all of us.
Recovering from my attitude of despair takes courage—not self-pity. I can recover from this attitude. It is possible for me to change. The ODAT concludes that my “despair is often a mask for self-pity.” I know that I can ask God for help with my self-pity. And I also have come to believe that God can help me. So, if God can help me with my drinking and my reaction to another’s alcoholism, can’t this same God help me with my despair born of self-pity? Yes, but it takes courage.
Courage without bravado, Bill says. I have to have some humility in order to be brave. I ask God for help and then act as if God is actually helping me. I live in a respectful way. I love myself. I go out and carry on with my life. These small actions—the actions of living—will lift me out of despair if I am just brave enough to try.