Do Not Be Discouraged

The Second Surrender in Sobriety

“Mental and emotional difficulties are sometimes very hard to take while we are trying to maintain sobriety. Yet we do see, in the long run, that transcendence over such problems is the real test of the A.A. way of living. Adversity gives us more opportunity to grow than does comfort or success.”

-As Bill Sees It p. 234

“Do not be discouraged.”

-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 60

Life in sobriety is far more than not taking a drink. I built this entire substack back in 2022 to show just that. Life in sobriety is challenging at the very least and downright painful and near impossible at its most difficult. So why do we keep trying? Why do we pursue this thing called the sober life?

First and foremost, I know I never want to go back to my old drinking life. Like most alcoholics, I destroyed most things that were valuable to me. I gave up on all of my hopes and dreams in pursuit of the bottle. I was incredibly selfish. I was miserable. I hurt people—over and over again. No one could trust me. I was in constant fear of the police and getting in major trouble with the law—always looking over my shoulder. There was no hope, no peace, no sanity. That was my alcoholic life.

When I came into A.A. in 2005, completely defeated by this disease, the misery continued, because life without alcohol for an alcoholic of my type is unlivable. However, I began to experience flashes of hope. I listened to the stories of people who were staying sober—and had stayed sober—for many years. They had stayed sober and their lives got better. This was real information for me. If I just stayed sober, my life would get better, just like theirs. That hope was enough to keep coming back. I think this is true of most of us who have come into A.A.

But hearing other people’s hope was not enough. I would have gone back to drinking if I had not given myself the gift of what others in the rooms were experiencing. I had to work the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous for myself. I had to have a sponsor that was on my back to do the work. I needed this. I was often plagued with laziness born out of self-pity. I didn’t really want to do anything but go to meetings. I didn’t really want to get a job. I didn’t want to talk to my family. I just wanted to sit in my apartment and feel sorry for myself.

Thank God that I had a second surrender at 90 days of sobriety that kicked my ass just enough to ask a serious A.A. to be my sponsor. She simply would not buy any of my bullshit. For some folks, it takes years to get this second surrender. Many alcoholics I know have to keep relapsing over and over until they finally surrender to doing the work of the steps. Some never experience this and just sort of exist in and out of A.A. I am just as grateful for that second surrender as I am for the surrender that led me to Alcoholics Anonymous. The second surrender is why I am still here.

I am now that sponsor to the women I work with. My job is to give them a fatal dose of alcoholism that will cause that second surrender—I show them just how out of control their lives have become due to this disease, whether they have been sober 30 days or 30 years. By continually working the steps with my sponsees, I get to reflect on working my steps for the first time. It always brings me right back to all of the realizations I had for that first time. I honestly never realized a few very important parts of my story. I had tried to stop drinking on my own many times before I came into A.A. I was a far more low bottom alcoholic who had sacrificed nearly everything I loved and valued for drinking than I originally thought. I was obsessed with a perfect picture of how my life should be—new husband, a new baby, new house, new chance at a family. I also realized how much my behavior had affected those I used to work with—just how devastated they must have been to see such a good teacher go down the drain so quickly. All of these valuable realizations came as the direct result of working Steps 4-9.

It is pretty obvious to me why I need to stay sober and continue to carry this message. And yet my own thinking is still so often warped when I am experiencing problems in sobriety. These problems cause pain and difficulties in my emotional nature. Why? Usually it is because I am failing to get what I want. Failing to get what I think I need. This is the root of my alcoholism popping back up—selfishness and self-centeredness. Once I am in this frame of mind, I start behaving out of self-will. Pain is the ultimate result of living life on self-will. What is self-will? It is best described as trying to force an outcome for something I really really want and think I need. It is taking complete control and grasping for this thing—a man, a position, notoriety, money—you name it. This grasping usually involves a great deal of manipulation of others. It is attempting to manipulate circumstances so they are in my favor. It is an actual horror film to watch. There is no God when I am in self-will. Why? Because I think I am God. I am playing God.

I am so grateful that I am still experiencing that second surrender, even after all of these years. Because the truth is that the Steps are just the same for me now at 20 years sober and 19 years in Al-Anon as they were when I was new. I live in the disciplines of Steps 10 and 11 today. A serious daily look at myself and that connection with God saves me on a daily basis. It is hard to get too far off the rails when I am practicing these disciplines. Step 12 and my continuous work with other alcoholics and alanonics is also critical for my sobriety. It’s that reflection—the mirror of my own behavior—that I see every time a sponsee sits on my couch to go over step work.

Do not be discouraged. This is the reality of sober life. If I can accept this fact instead of just being resigned to it, my life will have incredible joy and meaning. Yes, I will continue to experience pain and disappointnment at times, but I will also experience incredible love and hope. And the best news? It will no longer be all about me. It will be about you. What can I do for you today?