“I was not too well at the time, and was plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment. This sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day. Many times I have gone to my old hospital in despair. In talking to a man there, I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet. It is a design for living that works in rough going.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 15
Bill Wilson was a year and a half sober at this time. What oldtimers and our sponsors fail to tell those who are new is that there is a reason AA is a life-long journey. Recovery is a very long process of uncovering, discovering, and discarding, as Chuck C. used to say. I am 18 years sober as I write this, which means I am almost 19 years into this process of uncovering and discovering. I will only get the credit for surviving my 19th year of sobriety at the and of this year’s experience. That is a crazy concept to me. Jamey, you have endured more in this last year of sobriety than you have since you were new, so here is your prize: at the end of it all you are granted a 19 year coin.
When I was new, I used to hear this all the time: “Sobriety is not for sissies.” Even more bluntly stated by some: “Sobriety is not for pussies.” And they are certainly correct. But I wish to add a word to this statement: Continued sobriety is not for pussies. That’s right. Staying in fit spiritual condition, which allows me to stay physically and mentally sober one day at a time, is going to be challenging at times.
Last week I was on spring break and therefore went to a lot of meetings, one or two every day. This is my normal practice when not working. At my morning meeting, someone brought up the AA phrase from our Big Book: “It’s a design for living.” I thought to myself: Yes, AA is a design for living, but that is not the end of that particular sentence. Bill actually wrote in his story: It is a design for living that works in rough going.
As I have trudged through year 19, continuing a push and pull with a relationship that I have not been willing to completely let go of—and is yet completely dead if I could just see it—this simple sentence is especially meaningful to me. AA really is in fact a design for living that works in rough going. And Bill is specifically talking about working with others here. I too have experienced a great deal of self-pity and resentment, and my willingness to help another alcoholic has saved the day over and over again this year.
Recently I have been giving a new woman rides to and from the women’s evening meeting. Over the past weeks I have seen such a change in her. I am not sponsoring this woman—she is just a sober friend who needs help each week to get to and from the meeting. And yet, hearing her story as she sits next to me is powerful. Our ride is only 15 minutes each way, but I am reminded of how this program really works: one alcoholic sharing with another. The life of a newcomer is hard. So many losses and so much damage. And yet sobriety is so transformative. This is such a great reminder to me as I bask in my selfishness. Giving the ride takes me out of self. And getting out of self always works.
It still amazes me after all of these years that the Big Book continues to show me exactly what I need to see. I believe that as long as I stay willing—to read my book, to go to meetings, to work Steps with my sponsor, to work with others, to take my own sponsees through the Steps, to pray and meditate daily—that this program will continue to work for me. It will quell the obsessive thinking and pervasive sadness over lost love. God will show me that his love is in fact everywhere—sometimes even sitting in the seat next to me.