Faith

Where there is doubt

“Faith, to be sure, is necessary. But faith alone can avail nothing. We can have faith, yet keep God out of our lives.

-Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions p. 34 (Step Three)

“—that where there is doubt, I may bring faith”

-Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions p. 99 (Step Eleven: Prayer of St. Francis)

It remains so easy to doubt and therefore keep God out of our lives. To doubt and have little to no faith. To doubt and rely on self-sufficiency. Doubt is so painful. In my doubt, I am wrestling with whether I really believe God is everything, or, as I more often suspect, that he is nothing. When I am living in the space that God is nothing—get out of the way! Because here comes my self-will. I once again attempt to take over and run the entire show by self-propulsion.

Why is my faith in God always so tenuous? I think that the questionable things that keep happening to us in life—and in my life—are part of the reason. The world is a very damaged place. I actually heard a speaker, Bob B, state that our beautiful spiritual being that is ourselves is dragged through the junkyard of life. Now, when I heard this, I laughed out loud. Probably because it resonates so completely. I work so hard at my spiritual life—to improve, to know God better, to pray more specifically. And then life just keeps showing up. I am choosing a more challenging spiritual path by attempting to grow---both professionally and relationally—and therefore I choose to drag myself through the mud.

But sometimes it is just life itself that drags me through. Sometimes circumstances are just what they are and I don’t have much of a choice but to go through the dusty valley. The truth about my sobriety is that I will keep praying, keep trusting, and keep walking this path—or I will not make it through this life sober, sane, and serene. It is a choice, but it is a hard and stark decision to know I will be going through all of this as a sober woman. Sobriety certainly isn’t for the faint of heart.

Am I willing to keep going, to keep surrendering to my Higher Power? Yes. I will surrender each day. For now, that daily surrender is necessary. I will keep praying to God every day—multiple times a day—for His will, not mine to be done. I will put my doubts aside and know that those doubts come from the disease of alcoholism. That is the source. My disease is forever calling me back, and just for today, it doesn’t win.

Last week I wrote about how I love to fight. Notice that today I have written nothing about the fight but instead about surrender. On my knees is my new way of fighting this disease. I can combat my doubts that God will not be able, nor will he want to, take care of a particular situation by praying for faith.

Praying for faith is new and different for me. I usually pray for discernment. Or I pray for trust in God’s plan. Or I even pray for His will for my life. But sometimes it is so hard to see any of these things. That is why I am praying today for faith. Just for today. Because today is all I have. That is the other tool I am allowing God to use in my life: one day at a time. I can allow God into my mind and heart for this day. And then I can do it again when tomorrow comes—but tomorrow is not hear yet, friends, so I am going to choose to stay in today only.

Today my faith can be just as powerful as my doubt. I will give God a chance to work out whatever he needs to work out in my life and the lives of others. I trust that he can handle all of this—just for today. I will be intentional about my faith practices. This discipline will work. It will allow God to come in and really help me. God will continue to bless me and my sobriety and I will be aware of these blessings. I will have eyes to see. I will have ears to hear. I will feel it working in my heart.

I am so grateful for this hard and perilous adventure we call the sober life. I have a source of strength today that I will not always feel, but will certainly always be there for me. Today I will have faith and keep God in the center of my life.