Faith is a spiritual skill
Even if I don't feel it, I still have it
“I have also discovered something rather unnerving—I can easily possess faith one day and struggle with it the next. As someone who prefers consistency, it took me awhile to become comfortable with the variable nature of feeling faith. Today I know my struggle with feeling faith is not an indication that I don’t possess it.”
-Hope for Today July 6
It was mid-October and I was speaking with a longtime AA friend, a man, about the pain I was experiencing as the result of a recent break-up. My friend was compassionate and explained to me that he has never discovered a cure for a broken heart. He just listened. I so appreciated it. But then a few months later he started saying something that just didn’t sit well with me. He told me I had replaced God with the man I had been dating. Now I have heard this over and over again by well-meaning AA’s: you have made him (or her) your Higher Power.
Having experienced many years sober and hearing this, I had a much different response to this person telling me my truth. I did have God by my side and still experienced great sadness and anger at the loss of this relationship. I have worked very hard to establish a beautiful relationship with my Higher Power. The one thing I knew I had in my life was God. So I challenged this statement. And months later I still believe that I can have God in my life and yet be in a great deal of pain. The two are not mutually exclusive.
I always thought faith was something I either had or didn’t have. I always heard in AA that we either had faith or fear—that the two could not simultaneously exist. That is simply not true. And why do we spread this nonsense around in meetings? With newcomers? The Big Book actually states that “faith means courage”. I don’t need courage unless I am experiencing fear.
Faith is a spiritual skill. It has to be practiced on a daily basis. I can experience faith one day and not the next. But this does not mean that I have lost my faith or never had it in the first place. It is still there. However, the days when I struggle with faith often make me feel like I never had it—really had it—in the first place. But, as with other skills, some days I will be good with practicing the skill and other days not so much. The skill of detachment is a good example of this. Some days I am very good about giving spiritual space to a situation that is overwhelming me. On other days I get right in there and try to control a person or circumstance. It is the variable nature of the skill of detachment.
Not forcing a solution is another skill I practice on a daily basis. Some days I am fantastic with letting go and letting God. And on others I just don’t think my Higher Power will take care of the situation on my timeline—and I try to determine and force the outcome, which is usually a disaster. It is pretty obvious to most members of AA and Al-Anon that these are just skills that I am working on—and there is no judgment whether I’ve “got” the skill or not. There is no black or white. Honing these skills is seen as an important part of the recovery process.
Then why do we judge each other—and more importantly ourselves—on the variable nature of our faith in God? Why can we not just see this as a skill that sometimes works out great—and sometimes is an epic failure when we end up riddled in fear.
I do not feel comfortable with this waning faith of mine. I prefer consistency in recovery. Times of fear are the worst—the absolute worst! Even worse than resentment. At least in my resentment I feel like a queen knowing I am right and you are wrong. With fear I am just floundering. There seems to be no way out. God seems to be nowhere. I want to feel better—so therefore a drink, a vape, a man, a snack—these all sound like wonderful ways to alleviate this fear. On some days I can sit with the fear, and, on others, I grab for my instant feel-better.
My conception of God may become warped in my fear; however, my faith is always there. It is still present whether I feel it or not. As the reading from Hope for Today suggests, I can easily possess faith one day and struggle with it the next. This gives me a lot of hope. My Steps Two and Three are secure. Instead I inventory my fear and talk it through with a sponsor or another trusted member of either program. And then I make amends as necessary.
Eventually through this process my fear subsides, at least for a little while. And when, not if, it returns, I have a solution in the Steps. And I keep practicing the skill of faith by my willingness to do the work.