For did we not believe in our own reasoning?
Step Two: My power to reason fails me
“Perhaps we had been leaning too heavily on Reason that last mile and we did not like to lose our support.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 53 (Step Two)
In my continued agnosticism, which is my lack of trust in God in certain areas of my life, I have bowed once again to the God of Reason. I am convinced that I can think my way out of my grief and pain over recent losses.
The insanity goes something like this: I make a plan, sorting through all of the details of my diabolical approach. First, X will happen. And it will be followed by Y. Oh, and the outcome Z will be amazing. Everything is going to work out according to my wonderful plan!
Relying on my own reasoning, much of it emotional reasoning and not logical at all, so often fails me. I end up feeling miserable and isolated—and ashamed. You see, I am not very good at life on my own. Me, my head, and my heart make bad decisions on a daily basis. The whole time I have been relying on the God of Reason.
My thoughts often lie to me, so when I am making decisions based on my own reasoning, the outcome is never what I imagined. Because my thinking is so off, the reality of a situation is not going to change, but my insane thinking really believes it will. My thoughts are not based in reality at all—but in pure fantasy.
Bill W. reminded me this morning of a very important part of “We Agnostics,” a line that I have often overlooked. It’s about the last mile. It states: “Perhaps we had been leaning too heavily on Reason that last mile and we did not like to lose our support.” The last part of that statement, about the last mile, really hit me between the eyes this morning. I do believe in God. I have incredible faith. I trust him. And yet, I have little faith or trust in the last mile. That is the part I have to figure out on my own—and that has kept me insane in this area. It’s the last mile and I do NOT want to lose my support. I do NOT want to give up on my own mind, my own thinking. No matter how broken my thinking is in this area, I hang on for dear life. I certainly cannot trust God with it. I refuse to give God the last mile.
What a blow to my ego. I also got really uncomfortable this morning reading the bedevilments. I could answer yes to some of them. Six months ago this wasn’t the case. But yes, I am unhappy. I am having trouble with personal relationships. I cannot control my emotional nature. In fact, I have been perfectly miserable for the past several months. Yes, I am getting by. I have had a stumbling faith in God, I have been praying consistently, I have been meditating. But I am also having a Step Two crisis.
God wants all of me—including the last mile. He wants me to let go of the God of Reason. Let go of my own emotional reasoning. He wants to be my everything. He needs me to make that choice. Because holding on to the last mile means that God has really been nothing to me.
Lack of power is my dilemma. God has the needed power. He can take any area of continued agnosticism and change my thinking. But awareness always precedes acceptance. I am so grateful for this awareness today.
Step Two suggestions for sponsors:
Reading in the Big Book: Chapter 4: We Agnostics and journalling on the reading
Conception of God Chart: My God Is/My God Isn’t. List any person, principle, or institution that comes into your mind. We tend to worship what we think about most. And that worship becomes our Higher Power.
The Bedevilments: List all bedevilment statements (p. 52) on paper. Answer yes or no and explain. This is a convincing way to see just how limiting our own logic and reasoning are.
The Set Aside Prayer. Bill W. mentions the word “prejudiced” several times in this chapter. This prayer asks me to keep an open mind to having a new experience in God, my fellows, the Steps, and my own recovery.