Full-Time God

That God can and will

“Do not be discouraged.”

-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 60

I cannot do this perfectly. None of us can. Life situations happen and it is so easy to fall back on our self-reliance. And to leave God out entirely. This is a pretty common practice for me that sometimes leads me right back into self-will. In self-will there is no God.

However, sometimes I get unstuck and become so suddenly aware of God’s presence that it astonishes me. This is exactly what happened last night. So, for the last two weeks I have experienced the heartbreak of another relationship ending. It’s never fun and it certainly isn’t easy to feel the pain. I love with my whole heart and reason goes completely out the window. While I did rely on God with constant prayers for help and his presence with me in my suffering, I really wasn’t experiencing what I have come to know as a God consciousness ever since this happened.

I started trying to run the whole show and was just frustrated and angry. My character defects of impulsivity, obsessive thinking, and that dear old friend, manipulation, were on the front lines and ready to go. It was very difficult, but I prayed and prayed to be willing to have God remove these from me the past two weeks. I did not want to fall back into the same self-will I spent so much time in last fall, winter, and spring. Anything but that.

And then yesterday the miraculous happened. I had a friend who really needed me. She was also experiencing a heartbreak. I got to really be there for her. Then last night I went to my school’s football game. I have many of the boys in class this year, as this is the first time in many years I am primarily teaching seniors. I told them in class that I would really try to be there. I showed up. The team really struggled, but they played hard and had some really fine moments of scoring. I was planning to leave after half but something nudged me to just stay. Stay. So I hung out by the fence, where I talked to colleagues and students and continued to watch us get pounded on the field. By the fourth quarter I was completely exhausted. I had been up since about 3am, because sleep has not been easy for me since the break-up.

When the game finally ended, I talked to the trainer. She is a friend of mine. She told me how upset these young men were. They too were experiencing the heartbreak of disappointment. So, as everyone else left the stadium, I stayed. The team gathered in front of the stands, as is tradition, and sang the fight song. This had to be very difficult for them—putting on a positive face when inside they were feeling nothing but the failure of losing yet again. And yet they suited up and showed up.

When the coach released them and they headed back to their friends and family, I made it a point to say hi and give encouragement to as many of these young men, my students, as I could. Every single one of them thanked me for coming. They said it meant a lot to them. And then I saw one particular boy whom I have known since he was a little freshman. He was with his parents and I could tell by the look on his face that he was upset. I gave him a big hug and told him just how proud I was of him. His parents wanted to meet me and I reminded them that I was their son’s teacher again this year.

As I was driving home with the windows down, I felt God’s presence so clearly. I still feel it this morning as I write this out. God just wants me to help his kids. He wants me to think of someone other than myself—and that is always going to be the answer to my ongoing battle with self. By staying at that game, I had allowed God to direct my life and thinking once again. I can rely on his power, his strength—always. And because of my program and staying vigilant in the disciplines of Ten, Eleven, and Twelve, God invites me back when he sees me going off course. I just have to be willing to step out of myself.

This is how this program has always worked for me. God is a full-time God. He is always present even when I don’t feel him. The original manuscript of the Big Book has a slightly different version of “How It Works.” In the A,B,C’s, which are a Step One and Two review, letter “C” states: “That God can and will.” God can and will be there for me in the dark night when I cannot sleep. God can and will motivate me when I just don’t think I can make it through another workday. God can and will when I don’t think I will be able to handle the step work with a sponsee because I am sad. This is what God does. He shows up. So, it’s the least I can do for God when he is leading me to take a particular action. Because I really thought I wasn’t going last night. And then I really thought I wasn’t staying until the end. But God knew. He knew this was exactly what I needed to see him again.