Give it away to keep it

Step Twelve: Sponsorship

“The newcomer feels he has struck something better than gold. He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines it for the rest of his life and insists on giving away the entire product.”

-Alcoholics Anonymous pp. 128-129

Step Twelve has saved my sanity on more than one occasion. When life has hit me again and again, my willingness to practice Step Eleven AND Step Twelve have been the magic formula to restoring me to serenity.

Step Twelve requires sacrifice. Sacrifice of time, other activities, and of my obsession over work and relationships. But rest assured that God knew exactly what he was doing when he had Bill Wilson pen this final Step. He knew how our minds operated. He knew exactly what we needed to stay sober on a daily basis—for a lifetime.

How many newcomers am I reaching out to before the meeting? How many newcomers am I putting in my car to either come to the meeting or to take home? How many newcomers am I answering the phone for? How many newcomers am I meeting with and taking through the steps?

Probably not very many.

I was at a meeting yesterday morning at a hospital. I had started talking to a woman I didn’t recognize before the meeting (which is why it is always a good idea to be early). We started chatting and she told me some of her story. She was new. She was looking for a sponsor. I offered to take her through the Steps. It was that easy.

Then the main meeting was over and we broke into our small groups. The women, who are always a minority, went to our usual room. As the shares went around the circle, three other newcomers needed sponsors. Instinctively I knew this was going be difficult for them. There are so few of us women who are willing to be sponsors. I really don’t understand it, but as I sat there, I felt sad for these women and their prospects. I had taken on a new woman, and I have other sponsees still in the Steps. I work full time and know my limits. And I no longer try to “save” anyone but myself.

I owe a debt to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was lucky that by trial and error—and three different sponsors when I was new—that I found the sponsor who was willing to take me through the Steps. And working those Twelve Steps have changed my life. In fact, they are so important to me that I have been writing about the Twelve Steps of AA for the past three months on this stack.

The new woman I had offered to sponsor had been to multiple meetings in the past week. She had let all of the women in those meetings know that she needed a sponsor. And nothing. It is true that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And I do believe that God puts the right person in front of us at just the right time. But I also believe in self-will. And selfishness. The women who choose to reach out and sponsor have incredible lives of continuous sobriety and serenity as a result. The women who don’t often return to a life of selfishness and self-will run riot.

I do not see this with the men as much. Of course there are far more men than women in Alcoholics Anonymous. But the men seem to have a better understanding that this is life and death. Many more of them choose not play around with the disease of alcoholism once they get some time under their belt. I have been a part of AA in two states and it is the same both places.

Many women I have talked to feel a lack of confidence when it comes to sponsorship. Or they don’t want to be disappointed when the newcomer drinks. And they find it frustrating when the new woman doesn’t follow directions. This is where all of us who do sponsor need to be there for the woman doing her best to try. We can help each other with this. I personally have received a great deal of help from my own sponsor and from a woman I sponsor who is heavily involved in both sponsorship and service to AA. Since women sponsors are a pretty small club, we can be there to support each other through questions, trials, and disappointments.

It is 100% worth it. It keeps us sober and serene. I believe that it has been my willingness to sponsor for the past 18 years that has given me a new pair of glasses. I live in absolute gratitude. Disappointments don’t loom nearly as large. And I see God’s hand in everything.

I dedicate this post to the newcomer women I have met in the past few months. Thank you. The rides home I have given and the conversations we have had have helped me even more than they helped you.