God Only Knows

Real love of self and others begins with God

“For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” -Romans 8:38

“God only knows what I’d be without you.” - “God Only Knows” song by The Beach Boys

It was Christmas, and I was watching that wonderful, sappy movie Love Actually, lying in the arms of a man I loved. It was a perfect evening and a beautiful moment. So many times I discount these moments that God gives because these moments do not last forever. After all, love often comes and goes from my life and I end up disappointed and hurt. I put all of my eggs in this one love basket and so often end up empty-handed. So much for love.

At the end of the movie, the characters are all in Heathrow Airport and that wonderful iconic Beach Boys’ song is playing. God only knows what I’d be without you… It’s a beautiful wrap up to a movie about love’s many complexities. Love is rarely easy and requires vigilance, a constant fight against selfishness, and acceptance. Above all—acceptance. Because we are very imperfect beings.

I realized that this movie, released Christmas 2003, was over twenty years old. And I had consistently watched it, year after year, for all of those twenty-one years. This film was so popular that it was the most rented DVD in the UK in 2004. People love stories about love. We may think this is only true of women, but we would be mistaken. The men in our lives, although they may deny it, love a well-done romantic comedy as well—especially when they know it will win the heart of their beloved.

So what is it about love? What is it about the human heart that makes us long for the perfect romance, the one person that can make our hearts sing? I will admit that I spent many years in recovery minimizing the importance of love—and yet I continued to see it all around me in people I met and admired in and out of the program. These were people that had found real love, who had cherished it through the many ups and downs of life. Many of these people who had found lasting love were alcoholics and alanonics. And even though we ourselves had nearly destroyed our lives with our drinking and obsessing about alcoholics, this passion had never really left us.

I believe that the love we find while recovering comes from the real source of all love, and that is God. Thank God for the God who is the cornerstone of all AA and Al-Anon recovery. In our program, we gain this experience of a God of our understanding that becomes an everyday part of our vernacular. God is at the very heart of our existence as recovering people. We speak and share about God as if it were the most normal thing in the world, because, for us, it is.

Once we put down the bottle or the obsession, the love of God seems to pour into us. And St. Paul himself emphasizes that nothing can separate us from the love of God. Once we have found the magic in the program that is God’s presence, we are lifted into an existence where we walk side by side, day by day with this presence. It becomes the most important relationship in our lives.

With the help of strong sponsorship, I have been guided back to this “first love” in a way I never thought possible. I am so close to God now that I really believe that God is with me in all circumstances. I believe that he has held my broken and shattered heart. I believe that he has smiled with me when I meet someone new. I believe that he stays with me in the quiet of my prayers. I believe that he knows all of my hopes and dreams and shares them with me. I believe that he is a one-day-at-a-time God who really cares for me. It is the blessed assurance. He is mine. I have always believed since getting sober that I belong to God, but I don’t think I ever believed that God belongs to me.

It is a wonderful feeling to have a real partner in this walk of life. Realizing my own powerlessness has revealed God’s never-ending power. It has convinced me that nothing, especially my own ego, can separate me from the love of God—a revelation years in the making.