Grateful in the grief
The loss of a dream is still a loss
“More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow, or the hereafter. We were reborn.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 63
I have been grieving the loss of a relationship for two weeks. It has been a mess of crying, resentment, disbelief, anger, and hopelessness. I have argued with reality—and with God. I have felt 100% miserable. And now I can tell you that, once again, the tools of this program work. Absolutely—they work.
My sponsor is proud of me for having the courage to love again. I hadn’t dated for 13 years, and I fell hard for this man. We had a few months of a beautiful love. And then he ended it. Honestly, I saw it coming. I wasn’t that surprised. But that did not make it any easier.
My sponsor is also proud of me for the ability to really feel all of the emotions that have come up since the breakup. Although it is very painful, I am also very grateful for the ability to feel—and not to always have to act on these feelings. My entire life used to be run on the way I felt at any given time. I have discovered that my feelings sometimes lie to me. Now I can experience them and watch the thoughts that come into my mind. I recognize that often the thoughts created by these feelings are not actually fact-based. I don’t fight these feelings like I used to. I know that by grieving this relationship in the here and now that my grief won’t come out sideways in very destructive behaviors. Or in consuming resentment or bitterness. I refuse to live that way anymore.
About a week before the breakup, my boyfriend and I started making gratitude lists. I have always been a very grateful recovering person, but formalizing the practice once again both before and after the breakup has proved a very concrete and worthwhile spiritual practice. I am grateful that after so many years on my own, afraid to even try to date, that I got the chance to love again. It felt really good to love a man and have a partner.
Several years ago, I lost a close friend and spiritual adviser to a very sudden death. She was only fifty years old and 8 years sober at the time of her death. She was an amazing woman. I loved her very much. Her death shook my world. She was the first really close person I had lost to death in sobriety. She and I had the same sober anniversary. Her death rocked my world.
At that time, I was sponsoring two women in the program who also knew and loved this woman. And how did they grieve? They didn’t. They were both medicated against the highs and lows of emotions, which is something they may have needed to prevent self-harm. I compared my outward grief against theirs and felt a sense of shame that I couldn’t “keep myself together”. I judged myself for having strong emotions when someone I really loved died! It took years of working with God and my sponsor to discover that my ability to grieve this loss was actually a good thing. Within a couple of months, I started feeling better. Less crying and a higher level of functioning resumed.
Since that experience, I have the faith that my current experience will not consume me. I will survive and thrive. I will feel better someday. I will learn to treasure what I had in the relationship, even in the short time it existed. I won’t have to live in what I am missing out on because our future is gone. With the support of my friends, family, both programs, and God, I have a future and a hope.