Guess who's coming to meetings?
Where in the Big Book? Part 2
Seeing much of each other, scarce an evening passed that someone’s home did not shelter a little gathering of men and women, happy in their release, and constantly thinking how they might present their discovery to some newcomer. In addition to these casual get-togethers, it became customary to set apart one night a week for a meeting to be attended by anyone or everyone interested in a spiritual way of life. Aside from fellowship and sociability, the prime object was to provide a time and place where new people might bring their problems.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous pp. 159-160 (“A Vision for You”)
You may love meetings, you may hate meetings, or you may simply see them as a necessity for maintaining sobriety. While our overall feeling and opinion about A.A. meetings may seem to be important, it is actually quite irrelevant. You see, meetings are not about you and me—not about the people who are already sober. Meetings were designed for the newcomer, so they had a place to come to get hooked in with a sponsor who would take them through the Twelve Steps.
Chapter 11: “A Vision for You” in the A.A. Big Book goes into depth about meetings beginning on page 159 with the above quoted passage. Meetings were created not solely for fellowship or sociability. No—meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous were designed for “everyone interested in a spiritual way of life,” the prime objective being, “to provide a time and place where new people might bring their problems.”
What exactly is the newcomer’s problem? Well, they cannot spring the trap that has become alcoholism, whether the problem is with the alcoholic him or herself or with someone close to the alcoholic. Both are completely powerless over alcohol. It was commonplace for wives and other family members to join the alcoholics in these meetings. And all of them who were seeking a spiritual way of life were immediately connected with a sponsor who would take them through the Steps. And the Steps were done through the Big Book, both for A.A.’s and Alanonics. Anyone who was new to the meeting was welcome to find this new way of living.
There is so much animosity between the two fellowships today. Sad to recognize, but oh so true. Especially true when we see that everyone in the family who is affected by this disease was able to get the help they needed when entering a meeting decades ago. Al-Anon was actually created as a result of Alcoholics Anonymous and these meetings. The Twelve Steps were the same and practiced from the same book. While the Al-Anon Traditions stress cooperation with Alcoholics Anonymous, it is clear to me after 18 years in the Al-Anon fellowship that, in practice, this is not always the case.
A couple of weeks ago I was at a committee meeting for an Al-Anon conference. Because I am also a member of A.A., I am not allowed to be on an Al-Anon committee or do any service work beyond the meeting level. I have accepted this. Never mind that I am 19 years sober through A.A. and 18 years sane through Al-Anon—those are simply the rules.
I was at the conference committee meeting because I am part of the A.A. participation in this conference. The Quilt Committee Chair spoke up and gave her report. After she finished, she passed around quilt squares to take to our meetings to pass out and encourage members to decorate. While the squares were being passed around, one member sternly warned us A.A.’s to not take the quilt squares to A.A. meetings—that this was an Al-Anon quilt, an Al-Anon conference. My A.A. co-chair and I just looked at each other but were not too surprised. Unfortunately this just demonstrated one more time the rift between the two programs.
Last summer I proudly cross-stitched a quilt square for the 2024 conference. I worked very hard on it, and it is a very found memory, because my alcoholic and I were spending Labor Day weekend together while I finished it. After I was done, he drove me to Walgreens so I could get an envelope and then to the post office so I could mail it downstate. When I was stitching that square, I was an Al-Anon in a relationship with another alcoholic whom I loved and cared for. To think my membership in A.A. would now disqualify me from stitching the same square based on a member’s singular opinion of alcoholics like me: it was a little heartbreaking.
We have all been affected by this disease. There is a great Al-Anon pamphlet titled “Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism” that states the following:
“Alcoholism is a family disease. Compulsive drinking affects the drinker and it affects the drinker’s relationships. Friendships, employment, childhood, parenthood, love affairs, and marriages all suffer from the effects of alcoholism. Those special relationships in which a person is really close to an alcoholic are affected most, and we who care are the most caught up in the behavior of another person.”
A sponsor reminded me last spring that I 100% qualify for the Al-Anon program. There is a cooperation that exists within me: alcoholic and Alanonic. Some day I hope to see that same cooperation between members of both fellowships, just like it was at the beginning. Until then, I will mind my own business when it’s not my fight and stay recovering in both programs.