High bottom
My bottom was much lower than I once thought
“It was discovered that when one alcoholic had planted in the mind of another the true nature of his malady, that person could never be the same again. Following every spree, he would say to himself, ‘Maybe those A.A.’s were right.’ After a few such experiences, often before the onset of extreme difficulties, he would return to us convinced.”
-Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (pp. 23-24)
“No matter how far down the scale we have gone…”
-Ninth Step Promises (Big Book p. 84)
I was under the delusion when I was a newcomer that I was a high-bottom drunk. I have never been to jail or to rehab. I have never been homeless. I have never been hospitalized for conditions relating to my drinking. I had not been drinking heavily since I was a teenager. In fact, I made it through high school and college with relative ease. While I related to the feelings of those in AA who had these experiences, they just weren’t my story.
I drank very heavily from age 30-35. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and stayed, so, as to this day, I have never had to experience relapse after getting sober. I believed myself to be the definition of the high-bottom drunk. Bill W., in the Twelve and Twelve, talks about high-bottoms—that we belong in AA as well. I was grateful for a “step study” meeting (meaning they read out of the Twelve and Twelve) where the essay on this step was covered. Once again I identified in Alcoholics Anonymous. There was a place for an alcoholic like me there. I did pretty well for about six months under this delusion.
And then I went to a detox meeting. It was a Thursday night. We were sitting outside with the clients at the detox. It was a free detox in downtown Las Vegas, and there were some very serious low-bottoms there. It was warm outside. My home group member Bob was there. Bob had about 27 years of sobriety when I was new and I always related to his shares. I realized as I sat at this meeting that I was actually relating to all of the shares—those of the AA members as well as those of the patients. And then I thought of one line in the Ninth Step Promises: No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. And I was there sharing my experience. And my experience was that I had gone down the scale a lot further than I ever thought. I was a low bottom.
I lost a career I loved. My sex behavior was out of control: I was putting myself in so many situations in which I was or could be harmed. I had completely lost my moral compass. I was a liar and a thief of your time and love. I had hurt so many people with my drinking. I had driven drunk or high so many times and had never been caught—telling myself I was just a little but tipsy. My son no longer wanted to be with me. I had lost all of my real friends. I was in an absolute financial mess, having wasted a $60,000 divorce settlement in a matter of months on drugs and booze. This is the truth of my drinking. The delusion that I was a high-bottom had to be smashed.
I will never forget this epiphany. Realizations like these more times than not occur in the middle of sharing at an AA meeting. This is why I have kept a meeting habit for so many years. I continue to learn more about myself. I was not the woman I thought I was. The good news is that today I am. Sobriety works. AA works. Sticking with it changes lives. Today I live in a great deal of peace with this understanding. I am a low-bottom. My alcoholism took me to a hell I never would have chosen for myself. It took a lot of meetings, many conversations with my sponsor, and intensive step work, but I got there. There is so much hope for alcoholics who are in recovery.