I am not responsible

Letting go of my exaggerated sense of responsibility

“I have recently been reminded that I am not responsible for the workings of the entire universe.”

-Courage to Change p. 293

There are so many things for which I am not responsible.

• I am not responsible for my sponsees’ sobriety or willingness to do steps.

• I am not responsible for the choices my children make. If I have made my direct amends, I don’t need to keep accepting punishment from them.

• I am not responsible for my AA group. I cannot take on all of the group roles.

• I am not responsible for attitudes and work ethic of my colleagues.

• I am not responsible for continuing dysfunction in my family.

I have always had an exaggerated sense of responsibility, and this is one of many areas in which a solid Al-Anon program has helped me for the past decade and a half. Once I got sober, I realized that I brought this same character defect into my AA program. If someone had a problem, I was right there to be “helpful” and would take on the emotional responsibility for that other member’s problems. If the group was not self-supporting through its service positions, I would try to be a Jamey-of-all-trades and take on literature, chairing, secretarying, and treasurer. Oh—and don’t forget GSR! Yes, I could do it all.

And sponsorship? Of course that was all my responsibility as well. What kind of horrible sponsor was I if I was tired and sick and could not pick up my sponsee for the meeting? How would she get there? What would she do without my help? (It never occurred to me that she could help herself).

Of if she didn’t want to go to meetings, I would harangue her with my constant reminders to go to meetings. You need to go to meetings! You’re going to drink again! It’s going to be a tragedy! You’re going to ruin everything I have done for you!

As a wise Al-Anon once shared, if I say it once it’s a suggestion, twice is a reminder, and three times I am trying to control.

And with my child and family? What a busy little whirling dervish I was. Trying to be the perfect mom and daughter made me more than a little crazy. And for what purpose? Wasn’t I once again just trying to run the entire show? To show you just how wonderful I was? Wasn’t I really a self-seeker, trying to set the stage and the lights?

And with work: don’t you understand? No one could live up to my high standards. I had to be the most innovative, the most effective, the most inspiring teacher the kids ever had. And if you can’t keep up—then the hell with you.

This is where my AA and Al-Anon programs clearly intersect. I am a self-seeker in my need to take responsibility for everyone and everything. Once again I do not feel comfortable in my own skin unless I am managing and controlling. My defect alarm begins blaring with a stern warning: EXAGGERATED RESPONSIBILITY, PERFECTION, MANAGE AND CONTROL! Run for cover! Seek shelter!

There is an easier, softer way. It is the way of trusting God to run the show. It always comes back to the third step when self-seeking raises its ugly head. At most times today my life is spent observing and not interfering. It’s a much more peaceful and serene way to live. I watch and most times do not act. I live and let live. If I can be helpful, sometimes I choose to be. However, I pray about it first. I seek God’s will for me in this area because I realize just how quickly I can get out of control by my words and deeds.