In money matters
One of the principles addressed in Step Twelve
“And, worst of all, we forgot God. In money matters, we had faith only in ourselves, and not too much of that.”
-Bill W. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions p. 121)
I have a pattern of overspending. I will get into debt, go crazy paying everything off, which usually takes several months up to a couple of years, and then I will save my money diligently for a couple of years, and then I will do it all over again.
Yes, life is expensive. I provide for myself and my adult son. And I make what the average American makes in terms of income. But that is not the problem. The problem is that overspending and craziness with money is a character defect that I have not been willing to have God remove. And so I complete this cycle of financial self-abuse over and over again. And this is with many years of sobriety in AA.
About three weeks ago I returned from vacation and had a few more days off. I sat down with my computer and worked out some financial goals and a plan to once again pay off some debt I had created by overspending. But this time I did something different. I have always had a budget, but this time I decided to take a look at my actual daily spending. I wrote everything down. Cash, debit, credit card—I really wanted to get a clear picture of exactly where my money was going.
I know this sounds obvious, but I was honestly surprised and annoyed with myself that I kept missing the mark on my budget. It became very obvious why. I was way underestimating the amount of cash I needed for my monthly expenses. I had to continually, almost on an everyday basis, adjust my budget. But this was an important task. By not giving myself enough money for eating out after church, for taking the dog to the vet for his routine vaccinations, or for the trips to Home Depot to get tools and supplies for the yard, I was living in severe denial of what my actual needs were. And so I would use the credit card to cover those expenses.
And I invited God into this whole experience. I prayed about my money situation every day. I journaled about my frustrations. And I could feel God encouraging me. He would nudge me to get the computer out and make the adjustment on the permanent budget. He would give me the insight to know that I really needed money in all of these areas—and God helped me to get rid of my denial about those needs.
There were times during this last month when I have wanted to go back to old behaviors. To stop putting the tiny bit extra into my IRA. To not paying extra on my mortgage. To thinking I better get a second job. However, I just carry on with my daily plan. And the fear and frustration are gone. And the insanity to go back to old ways is gone as well.
I also loved discovering this reading about money and financial security this morning in the As Bill Sees It book. This led me to investigate its original source in the Twelve and Twelve. And it is in Step Twelve of all places. Why? Because Bill is teaching us exactly how to practice these principles in ALL of our affairs. Bill also knew that we alcoholics, along with everyone else in the world above the age of 20, has money problems.
And so, this time retrospectively, I am grateful that I did not forget God. God was right in the middle of my surrender to my financial situation. And God is still here today as I write down my expenses and am able to keep to my new and more realistic budget. Thank you, Bill W. Thank you for pointing me to the One who has all power.
Life in sobriety is not easy. My hope is that my readers will get something out of my honest sharing about topics that rarely seem to come up at meetings. Easy Does It! -Jamey M.