It depends on us and our motives

Step Four Sex Conduct Inventory

“We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised or loathed.”

-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 69

There is nothing more controversial in AA than the topic of dating in sobriety.  Even though the Big Book is very clear on the matter: we want to stay out of this controversy…We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone’s sex conduct, the fear and anxiety over a sober person’s romantic involvement is always a hot topic.  Sponsors, sober friends, and AA’s at the meeting all have opinions.  And they have fears.  Too many of them have witnessed a newcomer pick up a drink when a new relationship in sobriety goes south. 

My experience is that I dated a lot in early sobriety and stayed sober.  Even in a years-long relationship with a relapsing alcoholic, I stayed sober.  Therefore, I do not hold with this who favor hysterical thinking regarding relationships.  Al-Anon taught me that I don’t necessarily choose who I love.  Al-Anon also taught me that I am powerless over alcohol.  There is nothing I can do or not do—say or not say—that is going to cause an alcoholic to drink or not drink. And he cannot cause me to drink, either. That is Step One. 

In the Fourth Step Sex Conduct (or Harms) Inventory, I was forced to take a good look at my past relationships.  This inventory—another fact-finding and fact-facing tool—helped me see clearly what was motivating me in relationships.  I was hoping for love to come through sex.  And it never worked out that way.  My relationships were dishonest in this way.  I really needed something from men, most of whom were completely incapable of giving it.  My motives were way off.  Over and over again I would get hurt in this way.  I was a volunteer and not a victim in all of these endeavors. That is what my sponsor wanted me to see. 

I have to be willing to look at the following in the sex inventory:  Had I been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? 

Whom had I hurt?

Did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness?

I always remember that the inventory is mine, not his.  I have to be very willing to dig deep and take the focus off my partner and put it right back on me.  That is the only way I am going to see my sex conduct for what it really was and not some fantasy contrived in my mind about how “he” was so bad—how “he” was so wrong. 

I was dishonest.  And I hurt myself quite a bit with my wrong motives.  But I could not see any of this until I was willing to get it all down on paper and take a good, hard look at Jamey. 

And once I have written all of this down, it is time to invite God in.  I go to God, just as it instructs me in the book.  I sit in meditation with him and pray that God will help me with each matter in my relationship.  God will be there for me in my relationship just as he was in all other matters.  There is nothing worse about sex, even though I as a sober woman have often had a lot of shame attached to my sex conduct (by the way---sober men experience the same thing).  The Big Book states:

“God alone can judge our sex situation.  Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge.  We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose.  We avoid hysterical thinking or advice” (pp. 69-70).

So, if you are new or just confused, please realize that this is what it actually says in our text. 

It is possible for us to improve our relationships. Whether we are new or have been sober for decades, this process works. The sex inventory will always bring me back to my conduct. It will reveal my selfishness. It will challenge my motives. It will require that I face my dishonesty. There is a great deal of power in this step. And next will be the Fifth Step. I will share all of these inventories with my sponsor. I am grateful to be having a new experience in the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.