Love and Honesty
Giving spiritual permission to share the truth
“Who of us have not loved something or somebody?”
-Alcoholics Anonymous Step 2 (p. 54)
“Love is expressed in many ways, and those affected by alcoholism may not be able to express it the way we would like. But we can try to recognize love whenever and however it is offered.”
-Courage to Change January 2
The freshmen literature class had just finished one of their first short stories of the semester. Instead of a classic short story written a hundred years ago, this story instead focused on teenagers—specifically on a teenage boy and his grief from losing his entire family in a boating accident. For the next few years, he could not fathom forgiveness and carried a great deal of hatred for the other boy who killed his family. This boy had been drinking and driving the boat that smashed into the main character’s family’s small fishing boat.
A turning point in the story occurs when the protagonist’s best friend, a teenage girl, seemingly turns on him and assures him that she will end their friendship if he doesn’t forgive the killer. She tries to convince him by stating that he had also been guilty of drunk driving and could have killed all of them—but he had just been lucky. She recognized that her friend was killing himself with his incessant anger and spirit of unforgiveness. Yes, this friend was concerned for the perpetrator, who was living as a homeless teen and using drugs; however, her greater concern was for the friend she loved. She knew she was losing him to his anger.
So she told him the truth.
The definition of a true friend.
And this is what I shared with the classroom full of fourteen-year-olds. How many times have we been afraid to tell the truth to someone we really loved because we were afraid? Afraid of losing what we have with them. Or afraid of interfering. Or afraid of what other people would think. Or afraid that we might not be following program. How many times? So many times.
Love conquers all fear. I shared with the students that we have a responsibility to really love each other. And that love is not a feeling, and it is not something we say. Love is something we do. It’s in our daily actions towards each other. We are called to love everyone. Love them without apology or embarrassment. Love them with no concern for the consequences. Love them with open hands—expecting nothing in return.
If we look at society, the idea of loving everyone is nonexistent. We live in a selfish world that demeans community and loving our fellow traveler. But only when we love one another can we even begin to really be honest with them. People know when we are disingenuous. My kids at school know it. If I attempted to talk to them about love without them knowing that I really love everyone at my school, then why would they believe a word I said? But even after only three weeks, they sense an authenticity in not only my teaching style, but in me. I am vulnerable with them. They know I am still a work in progress, even as an adult.
When we sense that a person loves us, we are more likely to hear hard truths. Conversely, if we sense that a person is coming from a place of control or fear—having selfish motives with their truth—then we are not going to buy what they are selling.
While the world around us does not place a high value on loving others, the programs certainly do. We are the people who will love you until you can love yourselves—and most of us really mean it. With God in the center of everything we do in AA and Al-Anon, we cannot help but be guided by the spirit of love—in all of our meetings, our one-on-one conversations with each other, and especially with our work with sponsors. The guiding force of love which is God prevails in program.
One last thought: I am more willing to give spiritual consent to someone when I know they love me. I have a friend I currently share nightly inventories with. She and I can tell each other the absolute truth without fear of judgment. We can have our crazies, dump them on each other, and move on with our lives. This is powerful. And the love I have for her that has grown out of each of us experiencing incredible loss assures me that love and honesty go hand in hand. I no longer have to be alone and in my head on this journey. God will always provide those who can love us, especially when we need it most.
Author’s note: The short story I am referencing is titled “Goin’ Fishin’” by Chris Crutcher. The story can be found in his collection: Athletic Shorts: Six Short Stories. If you have a teenager in your life, consider introducing him or her to Chris Crutcher. His novels and stories are incredibly engaging and have a profound message for young people. They are usually set against a backdrop of high school sports, and most kids love this. I consider all of his books as “homerun books,” which describes a book that actually turns a resistant reader into someone who loves reading for a lifetime.