“I wanted her support and insight while I explored more deeply this person whom I didn’t even really know—me.”
-Hope for Today September 10
Sponsorship is one of those tools that only works when I work it. As I opened one of my Al-Anon readers on Sunday, with the topic on Sponsorship, I started thinking of my first Al-Anon sponsor, Renee. And my heart started to sink just a little as I started having those pesky feelings about losing her to death in December 2013. I haven’t had this actual sadness when thinking of Renee for a while now, but that morning I did.
And it was a beautiful Sunday morning. I had been thinking of racing to my 9:00am Joe and Charlie AA meeting, but then I did something even more strange: I sat with my emotions. This is a practice my current, wonderful Al-Anon sponsor has suggested. I really like to run and distract myself from negative feelings. I certainly don’t want to feel them.
Renee was so kind. Her constant message to me was that I always had willingness and gratitude. And I really needed the kindness and gentleness that she so freely gave. Why? Because I was completely caught up in alcoholic madness with a man I loved for several years. I was going completely insane while actively working my Steps with a sponsor in AA. I just didn’t know how to respond to alcoholism that was not my own, and so I reacted. I reacted to everything he did and tried to manage and control his disease. What I did not realize until many months of Al-Anon meetings (once I surrendered and decided to go) was that alcoholism in general, and his alcoholism specifically, was a much bigger force than I was. In fact, the only force I have found more powerful than the disease of alcoholism is the God of my understanding. Nothing in this earthly realm even comes close.
I cannot overstate how difficult this time in my life was—and in my early sober life. If I had not made Al-Anon as much as a focal point of my life as A.A., I would have either started drinking, ended up in a mental health institution (again), or been in jail for murder. That was how intense my confusion and anger were during these four years.
And I have been so blessed that Renee and my current sponsors, both in A.A. and Al-Anon, have always suggested and been very positive about the benefits of receiving outside help. Because I did receive outside help during this time. I worked with a wonderful therapist named Lynn for about nine months. I bit the bullet on the $40 weekly session copay (which I really couldn’t afford at the time—further proof that God had his hand in all of this) and kept going and doing all of the assignments she gave me way after the alcoholic quit going. In fact, the alcoholic was the one to suggest that we go to therapy—because of my anger (and boy, was he right!).
I am surrounded with love in sponsorship. I am so grateful for the time, energy, and commitment all of my sponsors have made. It has added up to a chunk of time and serenity in both of my programs. I live with peace and purpose today.
I have probably been thinking more about this than usual because after over a decade of not dating, I am dating a man who is also a recovered alcoholic. I sometimes find myself worrying about him, and us—emotional fingerprints of the trauma of being with a man who could not stay sober. At least today I have the tools to recognize where these thoughts originate, and I can separate the experiences. He can and does and is staying sober with the God of his understanding. It is nice to just be his girlfriend and not take on any of the other crazy roles I used to assign myself.
So have I been lucky in sponsorship? Yes. But the truth is that I have also been willing. These relationships are important to me and so I invest time and value into them. That means I still call. Even when nothing specifically wrong is going on, I want to keep current with each of these ladies. That is my responsibility. And the benefits I have derived from my commitment are priceless. I have experienced a consistent love that knows no boundaries. And with this love I have learned through my sponsors I can now pass on with open hands to sponsees, to other recovering folks, to my family, to my boyfriend, to my students, to my colleagues, to my dog….the love is endless.