“A morning paper told me the market had gone to hell again. Well, so had I. The market would recover, but I wouldn’t. That was a hard thought. Should I kill myself? No—not now.”
“Understanding myself now, I fared forth in high hope. For three or four months the goose hung high…Surely this was the answer—self-knowledge.”
-“Bill’s Story” (Alcoholics Anonymous pp. 6-7)
Just at the point that Bill Wilson was ready to kill himself, he was so desperate that he went to Towns Hospital. He got a possible answer to his alcoholism from Dr. Silkworth. His body and mind were both very ill—and very different from normal drinkers’. The knowledge of Bill’s illness kept him sober for a few months, and then he drank again. Self-knowledge was not the answer.
How subtle the ego is. It always tells me that I can find an answer if I just exert myself more. I can go from completely desperate, as Bill was on page 6, to having all of the answers to my disease, which he describes on the very next page. I think of all of the people who go to detox and treatment so beat up and hopeless, just wishing for the end, to die and be rid of the horrors of alcoholism. And then five or thirty days later they come out of treatment ready to conquer the world. They go to meetings, get a sponsor, start reconnecting with their job and family. Then, without any warning and quite shocking to themselves and to everyone around them, they disappear. They start drinking again. So much hope that is dashed in an instant.
Mark H. talks about the torture of his first ten years in Alcoholics Anonymous. He was ready to commit suicide and was checked in to what he describes as “the nut house” because he had gone completely crazy. He admits the truth in the Fellowship of the Spirit Series from 2001 during his Step Two talk. The truth was that he had made his mind God. As a sober man he made his mind God for ten years. I do this all of the time. And then I wonder why I am getting no solution—no answer to the problems of unmanageability I am having. Why I am so prone to fear and fierce resentment? I am trying so hard to once again manage well—playing God. I am trying to fix a sick mind with a sick mind. There is no God—my mind is God. God is everything I think he is in my very limited thinking. God as made in my image is small, weak, and certainly can’t be trusted to handle my problems. Therefore I have no trust—and no solution.
I will talk about God in meetings. How God is working in my life. But what is really happening is that I am sharing what the great “I” am doing. If my mind is God, then the God I am speaking about is actually self. Mark describes the human ego as a “mind-made sense of self”. So once again my ego has inserted itself and is running the entire show, but masking as God. So subtle. So dangerous.
How do I know that my ego has become the God in my life? How do I know that I am operating out of self-will instead of God’s will? If we take a look at the Bedevilments as described in Step Two, Chapter Two, “We Agnostics,” we can make a decent evaluation of just who is running my life.
We were having trouble with personal relationships. Am I constantly running into problems with HIM or HER or THEM? Have I lost a sense of peace when it comes to other people, either in the fellowship, my job, my family, or my friendships or in sexual relationships?
We couldn’t control our emotional natures. Am I prone to sudden outbursts of rage, or crying fits, or outrage?
We were a prey to misery and depression. Are my moods always going from high highs to low lows? Do I often feel dissatisfied or discontent? Am I thinking I need to be put on medication or need more of my current medication?
We couldn’t make a living. Am I having financial problems? Am I having a tough time finding or keeping employment?
We had a feeling of uselessness. Do I feel like I have no purpose in the program, in sobriety as a whole?
We were full of fear. Am I constantly feeling anxiety about the future? Am I terrified about losing what I have or getting found out for something in my past?
We were unhappy. Have I lost the joy I found in early sobriety?
The ego, that mind made sense of self, rebuilds itself. We lose our surrender and this gives the ego the perfect chance to become the god in our life. After all, having a real God can be very scary. God’s will may expect me to do things I am really uncomfortable doing; taking chances I know in my mind I am just too afraid to take. This is all based in self. This is not of God. Faith means courage. It means taking a risk, acknowledging that there is a real God who will see us through, care for us, and take care of all of our needs. And I mean all.
If my mind has become God, I am back in self-reliance. That is why I am feeling and experiencing these bedevilments. It is actually pretty simple. What is hard is recognizing this and being willing once again to take my life out of the hands of a very sick person. And listen—I get it. When we get some time, we don’t want to admit that we have become sick once again. But God understands our disease way better than we do—even more so than many of the members of AA, who still think they have a choice to pick up a drink again. Today I will once again remember that my real reliance is on God, and not my self-knowledge. I will turn again to the Father of Light for answers. He will always send good people into my life who will snap me out of self-delusion and will help me see that I am responsible. I am responsible, but I am not alone. I don’t have to solve my problems on my own anymore.