“Yet we finally did make choices that brought about our recovery. We came to believe that alone we were powerless over alcohol. This was surely a choice, and a most difficult one. We came to believe that a Higher Power could restore us to sanity when we became willing to practice A.A.’s Twelve Steps.
“In short, we chose to ‘become willing,’ and no better choice did we ever make.”
-As Bill Sees It p. 4
“Living with alcoholism, I learned that plans could change at any moment and that rules varied accordingly. I developed a deep mistrust of everyone and everything, because I could count on nothing.
“As a result, I have often found myself jumping at any opportunity without thinking it through. Behind my action was a sense of desperation: ‘I’d better grab this now—this may be my only chance.’ Al-Anon shows me a different approach: I can live one day at a time. I can base my choices on what I feel is right for me today, rather than on what I fear I might lose sometime in the future. I can think before I react to my fears, and remember that easy does it.”
-Courage to Change January 30
Sometimes pulling the trigger and making a choice is very difficult. I have someone close to me in the program who has been having a very difficult time making a choice. I would talk to her several times a week as she went over the options. She honestly felt that making the wrong choice would destroy her family. That’s a huge weight imposed by our very distorted thinking. We are so powerful that the choices we make will make or break us and everyone around us. We forget God as our fears overwhelm us. And yet our sponsors gently remind us that it is better to make a choice than to have a choice made for us. Indecision is a choice.
I am grateful to have a wise sponsor. A few months ago I was spinning over a choice I had made in my personal life. I made the choice and almost immediately regretted it. She assured me of this: I had made the right choice for myself for that day. And it was okay. Whatever choice I made for myself was the right choice. What a freeing notion. I have to learn to trust myself and my ability to make choices for myself.
I received a lot of feedback from well-meaning other program friends during this difficult time. My family also gave me a lot of input. But truly I was putting the choice that was only mine to make into their hands. And I listened to all of this feedback for a couple of reasons. First, I was in a great deal of pain and didn’t feel I would make a good “logical” choice on my own. And second, I didn’t want the responsibility of making the wrong decision. Like so many other times in my life, I didn’t want to be responsible—I would rather you take on the responsibility.
So when my sponsor shared this with me and refused to give me any feedback apart from her statement that I had made the right choice for that day, I started to realize that I was perfectly capable of making my own choices. And the responsibility was 100% mine. Even with so many years in both of my programs of recovery, I needed this reminder that I possess all of the tools I need to make good choices for myself. I have a God in my life who always has my back and won’t let me fall. I can trust myself. I haven’t all of a sudden unlearned everything. I wasn’t back at square one which was life before sobriety and Al-Anon. But the fear definitely took me there. That is the disease once again reminding me of just how worthless I am—and I’m not buying it.
After all, this was my experience in getting sober. I made the choice to get sober. And then I made the choice a few days later to go to A.A. I knew at some level that I couldn’t do recovery in isolation. The people of A.A. were there for me from my first meeting. Their incredible sharing assured me that I was going to be okay. God was in those meetings with me. He was in the car on the drive home. He was in my bedroom with me when I fell asleep. I made the choice to get sober—the most powerful choice I ever made.
What if my choice is the wrong choice in the end? Bill Wilson assures us that nothing is wasted in God’s economy. This is a Biblical principle as well. God will turn to my favor any situation—which will ultimately be used for my good.
We are not all-powerful creatures. Only God has the power. I do not need to assume his role by thinking that everything is up to me. It is not. Everything is up to God, and I can trust that today. Today I choose a more mature recovery in which I choose and let go. Easy does it.