“It took a long time, but I finally realized that surrender does not mean submission—it means I am willing to stop fighting reality, to stop trying to do God’s part, and to do my own.”
-Courage to Change October 9
“Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 86 (Step Eleven)
Manipulation is about control. Strike that. Manipulation is about the illusion of control. It is self-seeking. And why do I manipulate? Because I can’t possibly trust God to do it the right way. I have to make sure everything turns out the right way—the way according to Jamey.
My most depressing story of manipulation occurred in the alcoholic relationship that convinced me that I qualified for Al-Anon. I was tired of the alcoholic leaving and just wanted him to stay. To stay home. To stay with me. To not go to the streets to get loaded one more time. I had to go to the grocery store. I had a brilliant idea. If I just bought him alcohol, maybe he would just drink at home and all would be well.
I chose my favorite store-brand of vodka—yes, the bottle with the handle. This had been my drink of choice. I got home and he was worried that I brought vodka into the apartment. He told me I better call my sponsor or I was going to drink again. He couldn’t shoot vodka straight. Instead, he filled up half a glass with orange juice and another half with liquor. And we were off to the races—let the insanity begin! By drinking the alcohol, he had set off the obsession for drugs. And he wanted me to drive him downtown. I had my eleven-year-old son with me, fast asleep in his bedroom. We argued. I gave him ten dollars and told him to get out. He pounded on the door after I locked it and wanted back in. I had to call my sponsor. She told me to call one of the men in the program, so I called John T. John told me to tell him to leave immediately or that I would call the police. And I knew that John loved this man, so I trusted him. And my boyfriend left. He called me the next morning and apologized.
Manipulation may give us a small amount of comfort in the moment—and we may crave any kind of relief—but the relief doesn’t last long. And we are left with having given up our dignity and integrity. In Al-Anon I was taught not to create a crisis. But in my efforts to get rid of self-centered fear, even for a few moments, I would often create a crisis to force the alcoholic to do something—to go to a meeting, to get a job, to get a sponsor.
16 years later. I automatically started using some of the same manipulation in the relationship that just ended. I was a lot more subtle than buying vodka, but still trying to control nonetheless. I hate to feel powerless, and I felt very powerless and vulnerable with him. It’s sad when I think about it. My self-centered fear convinced me to do and say things just to get some reassurance and comfort. And it obviously didn’t work, because here I am on my own once again.
Letting go and letting God is the spiritual opposite of manipulation. I was reminded recently that I don’t have the power to ruin God’s plans. Today, in this twenty-four hours, I will trust God. I will trust him to run this show that is my life. I am going to sit back and let God drive. God’s care is the salve for my self-centered fear.