“With the help of program literature, the Steps, a sponsor, and time, I began to learn the healthy aspects of the four Ms. Today I manage my own life, not the lives of others. I avoid martyrdom because it holds few assets for me. I have learned to manipulate a crochet hook rather than my husband. Most important, I nurture others but leave the mothering to their mothers.”
-Courage to Change November 8
“‘Don’t feel that you are a martyr because you stopped drinking.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 302
In the Christian faith, a martyr is one who suffers for his or her beliefs—especially when the belief goes against the majority. This believer was often tortured and killed.
In program, we understand the martyr in much the same way. Our belief system and suffering, however, are quite different. We honestly believe that we have the answer for how others should live. We then proceed to bend over backwards to ensure that everyone knows what we endure trying to set a loved one, often an alcoholic, straight on what he or she should be doing to live a better life. This is the fourth “M” in Al-Anon because, when our other strategies of managing, mothering, and manipulating fail us—which they always do—we are left feeling powerless, which is unacceptable. So instead of feeling powerless, I will feel sorry for myself and let the entire world see the result of my enduring efforts. How I have suffered for those who have no appreciation of what I was trying to do for them!
Martyring means I am the victim. I am the victim of the thoughtless and careless actions of others, of those whom I was only trying to help. It is a painful and dangerous way of life—and the antithesis to real recovery.
The essence of recovery is change of self. Not others. Not you. It is change of me. There is a wonderful alternative version of the Serenity Prayer that always puts this notion of who I can really change back into perspective:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know that is me.
That is me. If I am the problem, then I am also the solution. If you are the problem, there is no solution. So my own recovery begins and ends with me and the choices I make on a daily basis.
I have recently put myself in a situation where I was hurt. My friends and family were honestly a little worried about me. I am at a vulnerable place in my life and that has caused me to act out in self-will. Everyone could see pretty clearly what I was doing, and I could definitely see part of it—but I could not stop. No one could have stopped me on this self-will runaway train. I had to live and experience the emotional consequences on my own. Even those who really wanted me to stop what I was doing had no effect on the choices I was making the past two weeks. I was going to do what I was going to do.
So what is my point? I am a recovering person who has to be given the dignity to find answers and truth in my own time and experience. Not one other person can do this for me. It is truly between my Higher Power and me. I was fortunate that no one was willing to become hysterical or bend over backwards to save me this time. My friends and family have a basic trust in my sobriety today, so they just let me go.
Seeing myself as the person who wanted no help during this time simply reminds me that I hold no real power over other people and the choices they make—whether those choices directly affect me or not. I am powerless. And perhaps that is the answer. Perhaps the answer lies in Steps One and Two. If I am powerless over my loved one’s behavior and the need to save them is making me into a crazy martyr, then maybe there is a God who can save me from insanity—mine, not theirs.
Martyring—playing the long-suffering victim—is exhausting. I will choose today to rely on the God who loves us even when we don’t love ourselves very much. Higher Power cares for us when we simply cannot care for ourselves. I am very much in God’s very capable hands today, no matter what I do. I cannot make a mistake. God will use that mistake for my own good, of this I am certain.
Thank you, dear reader, for subscribing to and reading my stack. I am very grateful to have this opportunity to share my experience, strength, and hope. The holidays are upon us (for better or worse!). If you know someone who could benefit from this message of recovery, please consider giving my book to a friend who could really use it.