“You will make mistakes, but if you are in earnest they will not drag you down.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 117
“At such moments we forget that alcoholism is an illness over which we could not possibly have had any power.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 118
I am not at my best when I take my will back. I often make decisions without asking God for any help and then put myself in a jam that I have to dig myself out of. Sometimes major, sometimes minor. But for me it doesn’t matter. I made a decision to live by spiritual principles years ago, and so when I screw up, I choose to be honest with myself and make amends as soon as awareness comes. This happens more quickly now than it ever used to, and I am exceedingly grateful for that.
Alcoholism is a powerful disease—for the alanonic. We always talk about what the alcoholic does and says, but what about our part? If I want to get well, I must understand it is all my part. The inventory is always mine and not another’s. I simply do not improve as long as my ego affirms that I am right and you are wrong. But I do not have to live there anymore.
I make mistakes. As my friend says, this is why I am in recovery and not recovered. And most of my mistakes today derive from thinking I have some kind of power over the disease of alcoholism, in myself and in others. Who are the alcoholics in my life? Both those who are sober and those who are still drinking. Those who are dry and those who are working a serious program. AA’s whom I sponsor and those I know in meetings and call friends. I am constantly around alcoholics, and so this is the testing ground for recognizing my own powerlessness. Why is it so much easier to recognize my powerlessness over my own alcoholism and yet I cannot grant you the same understanding? Cunning, baffling, and powerful. And patient. It does not matter how much time I have in AA and Al-Anon. The disease is just waiting for me to attempt to fix, manage, and control it. And then I am bitten in the ass every time.
I like how the Big Book lets me off the hook, though. It states in “To Wives” that at “such moments we forget.” That’s right. I have mental blank spots around this illness in the people I love. I have blackouts where I do not even realize what I am doing. I will think of something as a good idea, take an action, which usually involved putting my foot in my mouth, and then stew in shame and regret. There is no God anywhere when I do this. In that moment where I forgot my powerlessness. I really thought I could affect some control—some change over another human being. Their own dignity is of no concern to me in my powerdrive.
Then I have to dig myself out. I choose to make amends. Having been through the Twelve Steps with a sponsor, that comes almost automatically. I have wronged another person by stepping on their personhood. I made a decision when I saw my own behavior the first time I went through Steps Four-Nine: to surrender my life to God and to clean up my past. That was very painful. It seemed like I was making amends forever, when it was in fact only for several months. I never want to be in that position again where I am hurting people and then cutting them out of my life because of my own inability to say I am sorry. People are just too valuable to me today. It’s not just about protecting my sobriety or picking up that first drink. I do not like hurting others. Sure, I want to be rid of resentment, but people matter today.
I am grateful for the hope provided for an alanonic of my type near the end of “To Wives:
“If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God’s hands” (p. 120).
God is always the answer. Self-will is the problem and God’s power can overcome it. I am praying today that God will help me with healthier thinking and actions in the coming days. Amen.