Once a psychic change has occurred

Not all consequences are negative

“On the other hand—and strange as this may seem to those who not understand—once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being required to follow a few simple rules.”

-”The Doctor’s Opinion” (Alcoholics Anonymous)

While drinking, I was certainly my own worst enemy. And I was probably your worst enemy as well. Living completely by self-propulsion, I made a mess of everything, particularly in that last year of drinking myself into oblivion—throwing the fuck-it switch and no longer caring about controlling myself or my drinking at all.

I was not willing to live by anyone’s rules. My employer, my landlord, the law—I thought these were all just suggestions that applied to other people. I was a unique and special case who demanded that everything go my way. And things got worse very fast. It’s amazing how much damage I could do in such a short amount of time.

“W” for me doesn’t mean “Win” or “Winner”. For me, the capital “W” is the W of Willingness. My willingness to come into my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. My willingness to drop the shovel of self-destruction. My willingness once in AA to do the heavy lifting of recovery—to follow those few simple rules that Dr. Silkworth writes of.

What does this willingness look like in action? How does one actually achieve this psychic change that will make his or her life once more livable and without those myriad problems that just kept piling up?

Follow suggestions. Follow suggestions from people who have walked this path—who are in fact staying sober one day at a time. Somehow God gave me that wonderful gift of desperation that kept me very willing while I was young in sobriety. I was willing to take suggestions from any AA that was staying sober.

They told me to go to a meeting every day, so I did. They told me to buy and read a Big Book, so I did. They told me to take actions very contrary to what I perceived to be the right course—so I did. They told me to get a sponsor—so I did. They told me to work the Twelve Steps—that took a little longer as I was initially not willing to look at myself—but eventually I did. I guess the point is that I was willing to try. To try to do things that were not my idea. And I started to feel better.

Letting up on my program of action has never been a choice for me. AA is first and then the rest: the job, family, relationships, fun. It all comes as a consequence of daily working a program—and not letting go.

So my consequences started to change due to my actions. I became self-supporting. I became employable. I didn’t tell people to fuck off or leave me alone—I started to restrain my tongue. I changed my thinking—I no longer was a victim who thought the world was out to get me. I experienced real freedom when I finished my ninth step. All of the promises started coming true. I was reliable and people started counting on me again.

So I have a choice today and every day: live life once again for myself or live it for God, which means living it for you. Living for myself clearly didn’t work, so today I think I will once again live it for God. Time to get to work.