Personal Powerlessness
I must do my part--and leave the rest to God
“This brought me to the good and healthy realization that there were plenty of situations left in the world over which I had no personal power—that if I was so ready to admit that to be the case with alcohol, so I must make the same admission with respect to much else. I would have to be still and know that He, not I, was God.”
-As Bill Sees It p. 114
The reality of my personal powerlessness is frustrating. I am reminded time and again that about 95% of what happens in the world cannot be changed by me. This is an acceptance. I cannot make another person desire sobriety. I cannot make another person practice the program. I cannot make another person be willing to take the steps. I cannot make another person do anything.
This is a wall I run into over and over. I am constantly begging God to help me let go. Trying to let go on my own power just never seems to work. God just expects me to show up and be of service. The results are truly up to him. I forget this all the time. I have this old idea that if I show up like I am supposed to, then things will work out. That somehow I can make a difference—that I am somehow good enough to affect some kind of change in your life.
And that is the trap.
What I fail to realize is that what God wants for you is not necessarily the same thing he wants for me. After all, you and I are different people. What God really wants is for me to suit up, show up, do what he wants me to do, and then LET GO. As a chronic alanonic, I often go back to trying to manage outcomes. Although logically I understand that this is not my job, as someone who has been gravely affected by alcoholism and all of the insanity that comes with it, my mind goes back to attempting to fix, manage, and control—to make sure everything happens exactly the way I imagine God would want it. After all, God doesn’t really want people to suffer needlessly? That cannot be the will of God!
Except that oftentimes it is. If I hadn’t suffered so intensely with my own alcoholism, I never would have achieved sobriety. I have proof of this. I was rescued throughout my life by loving and well-meaning parents. I would cry out and they would come to my aid. They would fix everything. So I never learned a damn thing. I kept living in my own alcoholism and continued to destroy my life with my drinking and terrible behavior. It was only when it was me and God—no human power there to help—that I finally found the help for myself. This was after I cried out to God in my desperation. I found AA and the good people there who had answers. Better yet, they had the tools to help me create a sober and meaningful life.
Practicing the program is an incredible risk. For someone like me who cares deeply but who also wants you to like and accept me, I have a very difficult time with alcoholics and alanonics who are really struggling. I have a difficult time separating me from you. This is just the truth. While most of the time now I am not affected by others in this way, sometimes I really am. When my defenses are already down by a new loss or disappointment, I begin to realize just how vulnerable I am to my character defects. Two of these flaws, people-pleasing and perfectionism, are extremely dangerous to my sense of serenity. You don’t like me and I am not good enough. When I start to feel victimized in this way, you can be assured that I am into self: self-reliance, self-concern, self-seeking, self-pity, and selfishness.
Some days are just really hard. Yesterday was one of those days. My selfishness and self-centeredness popped back up as I attempted to save my ego. I just couldn’t get out of self. God was looking out for me, however. He always does. I was able to share with other sober people, I was responsible for chairing a meeting last night, and I still practiced my nightly inventory and prayers. I know during these times that although I must surrender, I absolutely must not quit my recovery practices. This is the real test. And I passed.
This morning I can see what happened yesterday and not have an emotional hangover. That is an incredible gift. I am balanced. I am neutral. God has once again suited up and showed up because I sought him and stayed still. Thank you, God.