Secrets and Lies

The survival skill of lying to you--and to myself

"All my life I had lived the deepest of lies, not sharing with anyone my true thoughts and feelings. I thought I had a direct line to God, and I built a wall of distrust around myself. In A.A. I faced the pervasive “we” of the Twelve Steps and gradually realized that I can separate and protect my sobriety from outside hazards only inasmuch as I rely on the sober experience of other A.A. members and share their journey through the steps to recovery.”

-“He Lived Only to Drink” (personal story from the Big Book)

I think I understand why the Fifth Step is so critical—why we have to break our isolation by sharing what we are most ashamed of with another human being. It is to build trust. Only by beginning to trust another man or woman with all of my deep dark secrets did I begin to trust that A.A. really had my back and was not going to allow anything to harm me.

For so long I kept my darkest secrets hidden. In my shame I could trust no one, and I mean no one. My whole life became one lie after another as I concocted story after story to protect myself—and my drinking. Eventually I could no longer differentiate “the true from the false” as our book puts it. My alcoholic life became the only normal one.

But living in all of my secret shame tortured me. Lying to you was one thing—lying to myself proved to be much more damaging. That is the “normality” of the alcoholic life. I start to believe my own lies, and, before I realize it, I am living smack dab in the middle of delusion. Once I am living in delusion, nothing can crack my armor. Not one thing a person says, suggests, begs, or pleads will enter into my consciousness. Because I am believing the delusional lie—believing it to my innermost self. I think you are well-meaning but a little crazy. After all, my life is going fine!

Only after a lot of time did I develop some cracks in my armor. And when those cracks developed, I could finally hear some of what people were saying to me. I could discover that there was some truth in what people were saying. Maybe I was drinking too much. Maybe I did need some help. The funny thing is that I really thought stopping drinking was my own idea—my own discovery. I did not realize that so many people were begging for me to get help. Only when I was sober about 90 days did I realize this. I had to wake up first. My brain was just too infected with the poison of alcohol and very damaged reasoning.

Only when I first started coming to A.A. did I finally drop all of the lying and started sharing the truth. I was miserable. I was tortured. I was damaged seemingly beyond repair. And I had lost all hope. Forget about the lies I told and the pain I caused others. In my very early sobriety, all I could see was me. I had to have this time of meetings and phone calls with my sponsor to start unweaving the many lies I was telling myself before I could even contemplate the damage I had done to you.

This is why we are patient, loving, and tolerant with our newcomers. We give them time to unwind the lies. We let them tell their stories without prejudice or condemnation, but instead with a sense of gentle reassurance. We know exactly where they are, because we have been there, too.

I slowly began to trust other alcoholics. And when I knew I could trust this group of people, it gave me hope that I could trust a sponsor to uncover, discover, and discard all that had been blocking me from God. Trust breeds honesty. Here was a spiritually safe space where I could let down my guard and actually say out loud everything I had been thinking: my resentments, my fears, my uncertainty, my losses, and my regrets. The truth is powerful.

I will always be grateful to the truthtellers in Alcoholics Anonymous. I am also grateful to those who share the truth in Al-Anon. More recently, I have been fearful of sharing honestly about my emotional struggles. I have placed a huge expectation on myself that I should be “better than” I am at my age of sobriety and Al-Anon recovery. Because of this fear and because of some of the very negative and even judgmental feedback I have received from both A.A.’s and even Al-Anon’s, I have practiced what my previous sponsor called “withholding”. I was holding back information about my relationship because I did not want to be judged. So once again I was back to lying.

When I got a new sponsor this fall, I once again withheld information from her in a lot of fear that she would hate what I said and would drop me as a sponsee. My judgment of myself, self-criticism and self-loathing was so powerful that I knew she must hate me as much as I hated myself for getting into this situation. But I was very wrong. She shared with me that her first instinct was always to lie. Once again this program showed me that I am not alone. I do not have to hide in my secrets and shame. I do not have to lie just to gain the approval of a sponsor. In fact, if I am doing this, then the relationship with the sponsor is probably not working.

I love how this program so lovingly invites truth. It is the foundation of who we are as alcoholics and alanonics. My lies almost destroyed me. Living in the light of the truth has saved me.