“But this man still lives, and is a free man.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 26
I remember the incredible relief I experienced in those first months of AA meetings. Meetings were a safehaven. I could temporarily escape the mess that my life had become. I experienced hope that just maybe my life could be better. I sensed there was a way out. I was correct about all of these things. However, it would take many more months and some big missteps before I could even begin to experience the freedom the program promised.
Relief is temporary. Fleeting. And, if I am honest, I can admit that relief was what was given to me through alcohol and drugs. Then the relief stopped and I could no longer experience the promised escape. I was at my end—and was lucky enough that my drinking friend suggested AA.
Relief in AA stopped at 3 months. I remember so clearly that, just as alcohol stopped working for me, so did meetings. I was dying inside the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I knew I had to get busy. Everyone talked about working the Steps, and I was on Step Zero. Today I am so grateful for this. Because God knew that I didn’t need relief—I needed freedom. And freedom came as I worked all Twelve Steps with my sponsor.
Fast forward to many years sober. Do I still rely on relief? Or can I once again experience the freedom promised in AA’s Twelve Steps? I can keep going to meetings and do some half-hearted prayer and meditation. I can sort-of sponsor and be of service. Now that I have time in the program, it will be up to me to see that I still need to work the Steps to experience ongoing freedom and to get unblocked.
Unblocked from what? Well, let’s start with all of my areas of continued agnosticism—the areas in which I am still trying to manage well on pure self-sufficiency. The areas where I just won’t let God in and am trying to run my own show. For me, this has been the realm of dating. For a while I completely left God out of the equation and was trying to find a partner all on my own misguided power. I was highly unteachable and didn’t want to follow suggestions. And I paid a very high price of pain. In the depth of despair and grief I let God know just how angry I was with him “that he just didn’t care if I ever found someone”—and that was the moment I actually let God in. My selfish rant and God was listening.
Now I sense God’s presence in this area of my life as well. He is walking with me. I am higher-powered.
In the recent past I had other areas of agnosticism: money, employment, my health as well as my son’s, concerns about my family—and when I stopped being self-sufficient and gave these to God—he showed up and I have been relying on him with these challenges for over two years. I know this because I found the notecard where I had listed all of these things in one of my Big Books and was astonished to realize I no longer had any of these fears.
Just maybe I can once again trust God in this new area of my life. Just maybe I can experience real freedom instead of only relief. God will lead me in this adventure and I look forward to it.