Self-Concern
"Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time?"
“Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow, or the hereafter.
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 63 (Step Three)
“The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear—primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.”
-Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions p. 76 (Essay on Step Seven)
There are many aspects to self, and alcoholics are well-versed in anything having to do with us. Among these aspects are self-seeking, self-centeredness, self-pity, self-reliance, and plain old selfishness. Today I am writing about self-concern. Why? Because even with many years of sobriety and Al-Anon recovery and repeated completion of the Twelve Steps, I find myself faced with self-concern more often than I would like.
This is really not surprising. After all, Bill Wilson did include it as a part of the Nightly Review that is part of our Tenth Step for a reason. The question: “Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time?” is indeed intentional. Bill understood something about alcoholics. Even when the resentments are gone, the selfishness in our thinking has passed, and we are kind and loving towards all—even when all of these defects have been successfully, if only temporarily, mastered—I am still so concerned about me and my life. The problem is that my incredible self-concern creates a great deal of self-centered fear. And as the Step Seven essay from the Twelve and Twelve defines that fear, I am only terrified of two things: not getting what I want or losing what I have. Bill actually states it more forcefully in his words, calling it a demand. But he also says we are scared to lose something we possess. This I challenge, because in God’s world, nothing is really ours. It is His.
The demands I have are many. I demand security, both financial and personal. I don’t ever want to be without enough money, so I work like crazy at multiple jobs just to have what I consider “enough” money so I can alleviate financial fears. But this never works. Because financial fears do not come from a lack of money—they come from a lack of trust in God. This is the same for personal security. I expect—I need—the current relationship, friendship, sponsorship, to be my all and all. I need this person to meet all of my needs to be okay. In fact, I demand that this person—this human power—be there always and help me solve all of my problems. Human beings, however, were not created with this power. Certainly fellowship and relationship with others is a beautiful experience. We connect, we love, we share—but humans were never created to do God’s job. God is our real reliance. God is actually our only reliance. No single individual has the awesome power, intelligence, goodness, and love that God does. Only God can give us this assurance. Only God can provide the security that we really need.
I do not possess money and I do not possess other people. Both money and people belong to God, not to me. I remember that I am in the world to play the role God assigns. This is my Step Three: remembering that playing God just doesn’t work. When I find myself worried about finances or leaning on people, it simply means my ego has once again taken over and there is no God in my life. My ego lives in this continual state of fear, and this is where self-centered fear comes from. One of the acronyms for the ego is “edging God out” and I find that this expression makes a lot of sense.
Self-concern derives from the ego. When I am mostly thinking about me, God is somewhere in the background and not in my present state of consciousness. I am edging God out by this old attitude. This old idea that somehow me can solve me. I honestly believe in these moments that if I don’t get what I want that I won’t survive. That is all ego. The child of God does not think this way. Because the child of God realizes a couple of things that the ego never could see. First, what I think I want or need may not be what I actually need at all. Only God knows what I really need or what will make me truly happy. Second, the child of God sees God’s plan as good. In this consciousness, I know deep in my soul that God has planned good for me. I trust that truth. It’s actually pretty simple, when I am living in the presence and consciousness of my Higher Power, my self-concern disappears.
The problem is that I am alcoholic. Alcoholism is a chronic disease. My mind will always take me back to me, me, me. The ego will constantly rebuild itself. And it will not announce itself. It is subtle and cunning. How will I know that the ego is back? I will start experiencing fear once again. These fears start off small—just afraid of losing something or not getting something. These fears will be sensed just below the level of consciousness, where they gently take hold. But once they have taken hold, watch out. The small fear that I would just occasionally experience becomes louder and louder until I cannot stand the noise. The child of God completely disappears and the raging lunatic reappears. It is scary how often this has happened to me.
Alcoholism is a subtle foe, indeed.
My hope today is that it is easier than ever to come back from ego destruction. This week it was in my commitment to chair a meeting and reading and hearing what I needed to hear from the literature. I think we sometimes underestimate the power of literature and meetings. Other times I come back through revelatory conversations with other people. I can see me after these incredible talks. Sometimes it happens in prayer and meditation. Sometimes it happens when I am teaching my class. The truth is that I never underestimate the power of God to get my attention today. I am seeking. I am looking. God always appears.
Peace of mind is real today. It is a possibility of a way of life. When I am open to all of what God wants to show me about me, God grants me peace in the present.