Self-Concerned and Self-Consumed

The power of seeing myself in Step Three

“The First requirement is that Jamey be convinced that her life run on self-will can hardly be a successs. On that basis she is almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though her motives are good…In trying to make her arrangements, Jamey may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, she may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, Jamey is more likely to have varied traits.”

-Alcoholics Anonymous pp. 61-62 (Step Three adapted for step work)

My sponsor doesn’t treat me like a newcomer. I really have such great respect for that. I have many years of experience living as a sober woman and as a committed member of the Al-Anon Family Groups. When she works with me, she takes in the experience I have had with the reading and the Steps. And because I am so willing to actually listen and learn, I don’t think it really bothers her that I participate in this way, because she sees a lot of willingness in me.

The effects of this disease have made me teachable. I have been struggling for so long now that the light of the Steps seems miraculous. I had this experience yesterday working Step Three out of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes, I am working Al-Anon Steps (for the first time) through a book I already have a great deal of understanding of—as an alcoholic. However, it has been really hard for me to see myself solely as an Alanonic in this book. On May 6, I celebrated one year of attending the Steps2Serenity Al-Anon Big Book study. So, I have had an entire year to “get it” about my Al-Anon disease. Yet I still fall into the trap of this cunning, baffling, and powerful condition called the effects of alcoholism.

I had never worked the Twelve Steps in Al-Anon. That was my problem.

As I have written about in previous posts, my circumstances made me very willing to start this process. And my sponsor was so gentle with me as she merely remarked that she thought it was “a good idea.” Needless to say, I have beaten the shit out of myself for being so “stupid” and “crazy”—all just code for being extremely sick. Having been unable to find my way out of the confusion and chaos that is alcoholism, I made a decision to try something different. I have now been doing this Big Book study one-on-one for 5 weeks. About 2 1/2 of those weeks found me in absolute hell. So much pain that I thought I was going to die. Even though I was always doing the next indicated action—meetings, working with others, prayer and meditation—I was still getting almost no relief.

And then one day it happened. It was a beautiful Wednesday. I went for a long walk with my dog in the warm and the sunshine. I came home and was walking through the hallway of my small home and I thought about drinking. Yes. I thought about how I could relieve my misery by picking up a drink. It was only a fleeting thought, but this has not happened to me since I was about two years sober. I am only a month away from twenty years of sobriety.

Do you understand me when I say that my disease intends to kill me? To put me just in the right place where I am blocked from God and I need a way out? For an Alanonic who is also an Alcoholic, this is my truth—I will drink again.

I called my AA sponsor and left her a voicemail. No text for this news. I told her that I had thought about drinking. I told her that for me, to drink is to die. When she messaged me back the next morning, she did no overreacting. She simply reiterated the fact that yes, for us to drink is to die.

This all happened while I was working Al-Anon Steps. My alcoholism does not care that I am trying to get better. It does not care that I will not stop praying. It does not care that I am learning more and more about myself and what makes me tick. It does not care. It does not care. It does not care!

It wants me back. That is all it wants. So I can die a horrible alcoholic death.

Thank God for honesty with my sponsors. Since the beginning of both programs, my honesty has saved me.

All of this brings me to yesterday, where I finally prayed the prayer and made a decision to turn my will (my thinking) and my life (my behavior) over to the care of God as I understand God. I read paragraph after paragraph on pages 61-63 where I inserted my name and could see how my life had once again been dominated by self. My sponsor calls it self-concerned. I also call it self-consumed.

I actually became sick to my stomach doing this exercise. I read these pages out loud to my sponsor. I started crying during the last three paragraphs as I began to have hope. I continued sobbing and could barely finish the reading as I read the Step Three Promises right before the Third Step Prayer. I finally believed that there was a chance that I might get better. It was a sliver of possibility, but it was there. And it is still here this morning. I don’t have to drink again and I don’t have to die as a result of the confusion and chaos of alcoholism in the people I love.

I just might be able to enjoy peace of mind. I might be able to live life successfully. I am becoming more conscious of God’s presence. I will lose my fear of today, tomorrow, and the herafter.

Now I am at Step Four. Next!