“And each little battle I win—with myself—makes the next one easier. Take it easy, for easy does it.”
-One Day at a Time in Al-Anon August 25
Like so many times when I sit down to write, I don’t pick the topic—the topic picks me. But really God picks the topic. He always knows what I need to learn for today, and he will take every opportunity to show me.
I always want to make a bad situation worse. And I want to do this by speaking up and speaking out. I want to let you know exactly what you have done to hurt me. I have always operated under the delusion that this would make me feel better—if I could somehow convince you of how you have wronged me. And it never works.
So today’s ODAT reading was perfect for me. I was considering what principle to write on and then I read today’s reading. With life in full session, I knew self-control was my topic. While it is not one of the principles normally associated with the Twelve Steps, self-control is a foundational Biblical principle. In fact, it is a fruit of the spirit so many of us learn in our childhood confirmation studies.
And for this Al-Anon, there is no better principle to keep practicing. Especially with alcoholics, I want to lash out—to tell them exactly what they need to know and exactly how they need to take specific actions to stop hurting others. What I mean, of course, is what they need to do to stop hurting me. Because me is the person I am most concerned about. Yes, selfishness and self-centeredness applies here. It applies to Al-Anons who are not double winners as well. We all have this disease. Some of us have the allergy and others do not. But we all have the disease of selfishness that defines alcoholism so well.
The reading sagely suggests: “Wouldn’t any crisis shrink to manageable size if I could wait a little while to figure out what is best to do? Unless I’m pouring oil on troubled waters, and not on a raging fire, it might be best to do and say nothing until things calm down. Easy does it.
How hard would it be just to let the crisis—real or fancied—burn without trying to put it out? Would it be possible for me to detach? If I am able to just let it go, then I have acquired the attitude of Easy Does It.
Keeping my mouth shut does not mean accepting unacceptable behavior. But if I am honest, just how much of this unacceptable behavior am I accepting from myself? Self-control is a tool that gives any conflict the spiritual space it needs to burn—and then burn out. God then enters in as we sit in our discomfort. He does not make us suffer alone. Our Higher Power actually cares for us and wants us to get better. He understands that we who love alcoholics are sick as well. We have many self-defeating attitudes and habits that have kept the disease spinning like a merry-go-round.
We are well-meaning folks, but we are usually only adding to a troubling situation by our constant interference.
But none of this will make sense until we really accept—to our innermost selves—the disease of alcoholism. This is Step One. We have to accept that the people we love are alcoholic. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, powerful, and insidious disease. It is a powerful foe. As with our own AA recovery, if I cannot accept that my loved one has an actual disease, then there is no point discussing the rest of it, because we have no idea what we are actually dealing with.
God, help us to see the truth. This person we love is alcoholic. That means they have a disease. It is a disease that talks to us. Sometimes it says horrible things to us. Oftentimes it lies. It only wants to protect itself and will lash out to destroy any person who gets in its way. Let us never underestimate the power of the disease. It is a real and veritable enemy.
There is only One who is more powerful than the disease of alcoholism—and that one is God. God is the one who gives us these tools to use—to constantly practice. He is the one who will guide us when we are confused once again by this disease. He is the one who will relieve us of the bondage of self so we can really be useful and serve his purpose. He is the one who will remind us time and time again that we have a program, and this it’s time to use it.