“The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 30 (Step One)
Self-delusion is different than denial. In denial, I know in my heart I am being dishonest with you. I just don’t want to admit it out loud. But it is there in my consciousness swirling around. I don’t want to be honest with myself either. But it is there—just under the surface: the truth.
In self-delusion, I believe the lie. I believe it with every bit of my being. And a lot of alcoholics continue to live in self-delusion—drinking or sober. I really believe that I am a good person. I really believe that I only want the best for you—that my motives are pure. I really believe that I love you and am good to you in all that I am trying to achieve for the relationship. I am convinced of these things to my innermost self.
Smashing the delusion is one of the goals of the Twelve Steps of AA. Because most of us would freak out and run if faced with this challenge too early on, we are usually eased in and, for the most part, are able to uncover the mystery of our delusion in our own time. This is why Steps One, Two, and Three are so important. Steps are meant to be worked in order. Not only do I need to recognize that I have hit some kind of bottom and that my life is a mess, but I also need the soft landing of a Power Greater than Myself to help ease my way into breaking the delusion. If I have no God, there is no way in hell I can be in a safe enough spot to unravel who I really am in Step Four.
And, later on, once the initial journey through Steps One-Nine has concluded, there will be other areas of delusion. The ego will once again rebuild itself and create an unreality that it is too easy to get lost in. For me, I really thought I could just self-will my way through a broken heart. I gave myself a timeline for “moving on.” Instead of simply being grateful that I was no longer crying every day or feeling so hopeless that I didn’t even want to try to live life, I tried to leapfrog past the lingering feelings of loss. I attempted to “disappear” the old relationship by dating other men. However, the same thing keeps happening: the focus on other men always brings me back to obsessing about the one I lost.
My ego built the delusion that I was a-ok. I could do this! Get back on the horse, girl! Thank God for a decent program with God, sponsors, and tools. I got on the phone with my sponsor on Thanksgiving evening and just sobbed. I was so sad. I miss him. I am having a hard time coming to terms with life without him. No matter how much I will the feelings to go away, they persist. Because for me it was real. And I love that about recovery. I live an authentic life where I get to live and feel everything—the good and the painful.
I know whenever I pick up the phone to call my sponsor that the delusion will be smashed, whether I like it or not. But, in a way, I think that is why I call. I don’t want to live in my ego anymore. I want real joy and real sorrow. Real love and real anger. I want a real life. Living in the delusion will never give me the life I want.
Happy Holidays to all of my readers. I am so grateful for all of you. If you can identify with my writing and want a daily experience with it, please consider buying my book of daily readings, With Gratitude: A Journey in Recovery by Jamey M. I hope that like me you got some time off and are able to go to a lot of meetings ❤️
Thank you for the reminder about the difference between self-delusion and denial.