So we choose differently

The power of Step Three in the language of Al-Anon

“So we choose differently. We make a decision, a commitment to take all of our concerns and feelings, worries, fears, resentments, loves, dreams, wishes, thoughts, choices, and relationships—in short, our will and our lives—and place them in the care of the God of our understanding. We don’t have to figure anything out, know what the results will be, or even feel comfortable letting go of our efforts to control. All we need to do is make a decision. By making such a commitment, we stop setting ourselves up for the failure we have known in the past when we’ve tried to manipulate people and events that were beyond our control.”

-How Al-Anon Works (Step Three)

I know my Step Three out of the Big Book by heart. Since initially doing Step Three with my sponsor over 19 years ago, those pages of 60-63 have a living, breathing existence in my soul. Living by self-propulsion, deciding to exert myself more, a self-seeker even when trying to be kind, a producer of confusion rather than harmony, and of course, the classic: Selfishness—self-centeredness! Yes, this entire section of the book has become a working part of my mind. I have always identified with these pages, both then and now. At many times in my sobriety I have been an extreme example of self-will run riot. And, no, I really didn’t think I was in self-will at the time. I am also convinced that I have to get rid of this selfishness—or it will kill me. This is no idle threat. I had to and have to quit playing God. Why? It just doesn’t work.

The Big Book is necessarily stern with the self-will and ego-driven alcoholic. I find this entire part of the book sobering and serious. But I do not find any comfort in the deadly threat. I know that if I turn my will (my thinking) and my life (my actions) over to the protection and care of God (as stated in “How It Works,”) that I have a chance at staying sober and sane. But none of this touches my heart. Yes, there is depth and weight with the message, but somehow it doesn’t show me just how much the God of my understanding really cares for me. And I believe God does really love me and wants the best for me. He is not up in Heaven, shaking his head and pointing his finger at me to “do the right thing or else!” I lived my entire life, and much of my sober life, with this threat. This type of threat does not actually bring me closer to trusting God.

Then something happened a few days ago when I was doing my morning readings. As a longtime member of both AA and Al-Anon, I do readings for both programs on a daily basis, including the “On Awakening” reading from pages 86-88 of the Big Book and a page from As Bill Sees It on the AA side, as well as my ODAT, Courage to Change, and Hope for Today daily readings from Al-Anon.

I have been struggling with letting go of a relationship with someone else who is sober and active in AA. He is an alcoholic, as am I. But when it comes to understanding alcoholism in a romantic relationship, I can never quite see clearly what my actions and reactions are to another alcoholic. I forget about what alcoholism really means. I know that sounds bizarre from someone who writes about recovery from alcoholism weekly, but it is the truth. When an alcoholic is put right in front me of me, I lose all rational thinking and react purely on emotion. And the majority of the time the emotions consist of fear. Absolute fear. Afraid he doesn’t really like me, want me, care about me, or I am not lovable, pretty enough, good enough…the insanity in my mind goes on and on. Even after we broke up, while feeling a small amount of relief that I didn’t really have to worry about these things anymore, I still experienced the fear and uncertainty of why the break-up actually happened. It is really hard to let go and let God when I am in this messed up state of mind.

At least I have the advantage of having long-term Al-Anon recovery. I have friends and a sponsor. I have my meetings. I have literature. In short, I have a way out of the insanity. There are many people I have met in Alcoholics Anonymous over the years who have the exact same fears and insecurity in alcoholic relationships who have no Al-Anon program to help them. So, believe me, I am grateful for my Al-Anon program and all of the tools it provides.

So, as a committed member of Al-Anon who reads the literature, I decided about a month ago to re-read How Al-Anon Works, a basic text of the Al-Anon program. When I read Step Three a few days ago, it changed my entire thinking about just what I was making a decision to turn over to the God of my understanding. Not only my concerns and feelings, my fears and resentments. Those I was used to turning over. But the next items on the list really touched my heart and I knew exactly why I was a member of Al-Anon. Because I can also make a decision to turn over my loves, dreams, wishes, thoughts, choices, and relationships. When I first read that, I started to cry. Yes. This was it! I had so much love and so many wishes and dreams for the relationship. And I could turn all of it over. God will take care of all of it. There were also so many choices I made in the relationship that made me feel not good about myself. And God can take those as well. I have felt so out of balance for weeks—and all I needed was the acknowledgement to myself that it was okay that I had all of these loves, wishes, and dreams. They were real—the love was real. I had valid feelings and experiences with this man. I was not fooling myself.

And now it was time to give them all—every one of them—to the God who loves me so much. I have so much trust today in the God who is big enough and powerful enough to take all of these real experiences unto Himself—and this will allow me to heal.

I am so relieved that I don’t have to figure anything out. I don’t have to know what the results will be. I don’t even have to be comfortable letting go of the illusion of control. What I am doing with this commitment is no longer setting myself up for failure. That is powerful. I am powerless—but I am not helpless. This passage gives me a new strength and a new hope.