The emotional hangover

The direct result of yesterday's excesses of negative emotion

“That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday’s and sometimes today’s excesses of negative emotion—anger, fear, jealousy, and the like. If we would live serenely today and tomorrow, we certainly need to eliminate these hangovers.”

-Bill W. (As Bill Sees It p. 48; Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions p. 88-89)

My sponsee and I are going through similar situations at work: a whole lot of chaos and a whole lot of drama. I have been directly impacted by multiple crises since school began in August. These instances have been frustrating. But that is just the start of it.

What has really bothered me is the spillover these crises-du-mois have had into my personal life. I have been affected while at an AA retreat weekend, on days off, including holidays and weekends, and in the evenings. I have had to create a new set of boundaries regarding my access to email on my personal devices because of these constant invasions of my personal time. Since I put this boundary in place in November, my home life has been much more manageable. At least I no longer find out about a crisis while at home.

But while at my job, I can always count on a new “something” coming up. And they don’t stay at work—they follow me home. These crises have affected my sleep, my overall level of anxiety, and have given me a sense of hopelessness. I feel these crises in my bones. They have had the power to ruin days and even weeks. And let’s be clear—this is still happening and I am still in the middle of the muck. This is not some inspirational writing of overcoming obstacles a decade ago.

And the continual nature of these crises have caused me to really practice my programs. I am practicing my AA and Al-Anon programs with a vigor and a vengeance that are required when circumstances go south. I have spent more time in readings and prayer and meditation in the morning. I have really focused my prayer life. I have also put more focus on the things I can change: my attitude and gratitude for the life I have today. This gratitude is an action: I use it for service to those who need and want my help: my students, my sponsees, and the people at my meetings. I believe that my changed attitude really does aid my recovery.

Bill W. calls this change in my thinking “emotional sobriety.” Because As Bill Sees It is one of my daily meditation books, I am constantly getting a dose of Bill’s wisdom from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, the Twelve and Twelve, and from letters Bill wrote as well as his Grapevine writings.

The upsets are still coming. The drama and uncertainty will always be there. But Bill reminds me constantly that self-sufficiency and reliance upon people will always fail me. God has to be everything or else he is nothing on a daily basis. And this daily decision is truly the choice I have to make.