The Gift of Step Zero

Getting down to two alternatives--and then to none

“If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help.”

-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 25 (Step One, Chapter Two: “There is a Solution”

I cannot take Step One when I have a good idea. When I have options. If I have a way I can either manage and control my drinking—or even manage and control my sobriety—then I will not take the Steps. I will not be convinced that I am doomed to an alcoholic death. I will think that a middle-of-the-road solution will work for me.

This may be true of certain hard drinkers, nonalcoholics. but this is certainly not true of the chronic alcoholic. The chronic who has a good idea will always end up drunk. And usually in a lot of trouble with a lot of hurt people left in their alcoholic destruction. I have to believe, through lots and lots of drinking, that I only have the two alternatives: to go onto the bitter end or to accept spiritual help.

I had so many ideas about how to deal with my drinking. I was not “that bad,” and so these solutions seemed very viable to me. I joined church— singing in choir and volunteering in the babies room and at Sunday school. I became the best at my job—taking on extra tasks to prove to my bosses I was a superstar. I became the best mom—always home to spend more time with my son. And I did all of these things to become a better person. I didn’t like the way I was acting. I would think and then drink myself into a lot of trouble. So these things—these activities—were my way out. However, I would never take a good look inside myself to see what was really going on. All of the work was on my external environment and looking good to the world. I never felt better inside. I always felt, even in the middle of my flurry of activity, that I somehow just didn’t belong in this world full of good and purposeful people. I was different. I was bad.

The problem was that all of these external solutions would work in the short-term and then I would just drink again. With no thought, with no planning of any kind. I just couldn’t keep the show going for very long. I couldn’t stay the perfect mom, the perfect employee, or the perfect Christian. And so my authentic side, the side that drinks, would win out over and over again—and I would get drunk. That was my most normal, authentic state: drunkenness.

By the time I got to A.A., I had no good ideas left. I was so beaten down—so surrendered. I almost begged for help from the Program and from God. I was at my bottom and knew I would die if I kept living the way I was. This state made me teachable. So I was lucky. Alcoholics Anonymous told me I had only two choices and I believed them. I could go on living the same horrible, shame-filled, exhausting alcoholic life I was living—or I could accept spiritual help. I was down to the only two choices presented in Step One. These are the only two choices for a chronic alcoholic. I tried those other things and every single time I got the same result: it just wasn’t working. It was honestly a relief when I hit the doors of A.A. and my first meeting.

But another problem arose. I knew I couldn’t go on living this alcoholic life. I just knew this was the end. I had tried and failed to blot out the consciousness of my intolerable life! And I also lacked the needed power to accept spiritual help. I could not do either of these things when I was new. I was so beaten down by this disease that there was nothing left inside of me. So what could I do? My two options became zero. And that is how I arrived at Step One—through Step Zero. Zero options. None. Zilch. Once I figured out I had no options, then I could really take my First Step. I was completely powerless over my life with or without alcohol. I was 100% defeated. Beaten to a bloody pulp by the bottle.

Once I was out of options, that is when I began to be truly teachable. That is when I really surrendered. I knew there was something really wrong with me, and it turns out that I was completely powerless over alcohol. Alcohol had destroyed everything that I was. It had taken everything that was worthwhile in my life. What an absolute blessing to realize I was so completely lost. I couldn’t even choose to get better. All I knew is that I couldn’t go on, someone told me to go to A.A., and that is where I ended up. I became honest with others and myself. I became open-minded about a solution. I became willing to have a God of my incredible misunderstanding take control of my life. I let other members of A.A. lead me and I learned.

I am one of the lucky ones to have been so defeated.

I am lucky once again that after 20 years, I still have a connection to my First Step. I will definitely drink again. If I do not continue to work my Steps and stay honest through inventory, amends, prayer, and working tirelessly with others, I will end up exactly where I was when I first walked in—that is what powerless means to me. I haven’t all of a sudden become nonalcoholic just because I have time. It is time to stop fooling ourselves on this point. Once an alcoholic—always an alcoholic.