The grouch and the sudden rage

Celebrating two years on Substack

“If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the sudden rage were not for us. Anger is the dubious luxury of normal men, but for the alcoholic it is poison.”

-As Bill Sees It p. 5

The more I am carrying anger around, the more I am not living. If I want to live, I have to free myself of anger. And anger was my go-to for about nine very painful months in the past year. Anger at him. Anger at her. Anger at myself. Anger at my circumstances. Anger was everywhere. It was truly the poison that tried to screw me up to the point that I was not living. In fact, the anger was so poisonous that drinking was a very real possibility for me during this time. It was a season of self-will that I will not soon forget.

Resentment is the number one offender. It kills more alcoholics than anything else. It says this on Page 64 of the Big Book in the Fourth Step Resentment Inventory. This means that resentment kills. It kills more than anything else, even alcohol. I find this to be a surprising and yet foundational statement. It is true. Once I put down the bottle, my resentments are still there—and they have the power to ruin my life.

I always find it interesting that Bill Wilson changed the “grouch and sudden rage” statement in revising the Big Book before its original publication. “Sudden rage” seems to make a lot more sense than “brainstorm*”. While it is true that the “grouch and brainstorm” are problematic for every alcoholic and Al-Anon I know, “sudden rage” tends to be much more deadly. It’s the rage that destroys me. A sudden anger—the seething, warming, hostile takeover of a once-serene mind and body. Brought on by the smallest of offenses, I suddenly wish to kill, to hurt, to destroy.

This is not normal thinking or the normal expression of emotions by any measure. But we are alcoholic. We go to these extremes—there is no halfway for us. While a bad idea—a brainstorm—may have some negative consequences in store for me, the rage will kill me. So, as an alcoholic of the insane and deranged type—I tend to relate to his original statement about the grouch and the sudden rage.

I felt rage for much of the time between October and June of this past year. Much of the anger was understandable, and some of it was sorely misplaced. But when I am angry, it is rarely rational. And what did all of this anger do to me? I completely stopped living the good life that was such a normal part of my existence for many years. And, folks, I had 18 years sober when this occurred. This does not just happen to newcomers.

What was the cure to this anger? One more fourth step inventory. I did some pretty intensive work with a Big Book sponsor from Al-Anon. This work was my idea. I was sick and tired of the anger. I shared the fourth with her in a fifth step, took a look at the character defects that had risen to the surface yet again, and made direct amends to those I had hurt. And within a week the anger was completely gone. God had performed his miracle yet again—my Higher Power saved me from myself.

As I celebrate two years of Ask Anonymous this week, I am humbled and completely grateful for this way of life. It always seems to work—and for me nothing else does. I want to thank my sponsors, Barrie, Dolly, and Mary. Thank you, ladies, for taking the time for me—for loving me until I could love myself again. I would also like to thank my friend Laura, a new and precious friend in the program whom I started swapping nightly inventories with. These inventories have brought to light current resentments before they build up. I want to thank all of my sponsees. You ladies have saved me over and over again from the bondage of Jamey. Christine, I know I have told you this before, but I don’t think I would have survived this year without your friendship. You were the only one who knew everything—and yet you never judged and always cared. And to all of my friends, family, and loved ones who have supported me and my writing for another year, my gratitude is eternal. And to you, wonderful reader, thank you. Thank you for your open-mindedness to some of my crazy ideas about recovery. My recovery has always been messy, and you are right here with me, taking it all in. Finally, my last thank you is to God. His miracles are boundless. He has made all of this possible. I love you all.

With Gratitude-

Jamey M.

*Note: At the time the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, was written and published (1939), the word brainstorm did in fact denote “a fit of sudden rage.” Our modern understanding of the word has changed drastically, however.