“But now the time has come when he ought to redouble his efforts to see how many people he has hurt, and in what ways.”
-Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions p. 77
When I got sober, I could see nothing I did to hurt you. In my extreme self-centeredness, I could only see the harms others caused me. I would go on and on about how others had hurt me and how I had done nothing wrong. No wonder so many people balk at these crucial writing steps. For so long we have held on to our delusion. Steps Four and Eight force us to actually write down names, principals, and institutions—on paper.
It’s no longer about my constant chatter. The incessant talking to anyone who would listen. I had to keep feeding this delusion by retelling all of my stories of woe. And all it did was reinforce these insane ideas. My ego was delighted. It didn’t mind at all that I was trapped in a way of thinking that would continue to cause me to self-destruct. In fact, my ego encouraged this nonsense. Who knew how much real damage could be caused by talking?
No more talk. My sponsor sagely professes that all some people want to do is talk. And, mind you, these are people in AA. People who have already declared a desire to stop drinking. But when the real work is required, more than not will refuse to do the writing it takes to get it all down—to take a hard look at it.
I learned very little about myself from all of that talking. I have learned a great deal about myself by listening. By really listening to people who had walked this path before me, I began to realize that I had to do these Steps. There was simply no way around it if I wanted to get better. And the Steps take action. Alcoholics Anonymous is a program of action.
Writing is an action. And I don’t have to write a Stack to be able to do the simple writing that the Steps require. A simple spiral-bound notebook and pen is all it takes. But the problem is that writing about it—inventory and the list—will make it real. The self-delusion bubble will be popped and there is no going back from there.
The good news is that those who have had the willingness to create a written inventory in Step Four and who stay in meetings, contact with their sponsor, and overall active in AA will most likely not find the Eighth Step list too difficult. That is why that initial Fourth Step inventory is so key—it unlocks the original willingness it takes to put pen to paper.
So we make the list to the best of our ability. And this is where sponsorship actually gets magical. We had a formal meeting to go over my list and she did something unimaginable—she crossed names off the list! And then she gave me some very specific directions on how to make amends that would cause harm if I made them face to face. No name that was left on the list was going to be forgotten. All amends would be made one way or another. This is a sponsorship step. Only the sponsor, who knows our entire story after Step Five, can truly determine how these amends are to be made. If I have a sponsor I have trusted throughout this process, then I can certainly trust her with my amends list as well.
God, give me the courage to take one Step at a time. Give me the willingness to follow direction. I recognize that I cannot cure a sick mind with a sick mind. I have to have help.