The intellectually self-sufficient man or woman

Now we come to another kind of problem

“The god of intellect displaced the God of our fathers. But again John Barleycorn had other ideas. We who had won so handsomely in a walk turned into all-time losers. We saw that we had to reconsider or die. We found many in A.A. who once thought as we did. They helped us get down to our right size. By their example they showed us that humility and intellect could be compatible, provided that we placed humility first. When we began to do that, we received the gift of faith, a faith that works. This faith is for you, too.”

-Step 2 (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pp. 30-31)

I had a great deal of humility when it came to my own alcoholism. I honestly believed everything Bill W. stated in the above passage from the 12 and 12. Alcohol beat the crap out of me and I was DONE. My intellect was no longer working. I knew I was beat—and this humbled me a great deal. That is my story in Alcoholics Anonymous.

However, there is another story to tell: an Al-Anon story. I fell in love with another AA member at a year sober. Anything I had learned through my AA step work went completely out the door when it came to his drinking. I felt very powerful because of my own AA recovery and knew I could stop him from drinking. I had learned a hard truth about my own drinking, but I had learned nothing about attempting to control another person’s disease. What I lacked was humility.

Alcohol had to once again completely kick my ass before I could start to recover from the effects of this man’s drinking. Everyone around me, including my own loving sponsor, noticed that I was going completely insane trying to manage and control another’s disease. After much begging and pleading from my sponsor and AA friends, I did decide to go to Al-Anon. I went to one meeting and hated it. Didn’t these people understand that I had the first nine steps of AA behind me and, because of this, I did have the power to help another alcoholic? I didn’t go back.

Suffice it to say, I had to cause a few more months’ damage before I would be beaten into a state of reasonableness and get the help I needed in Al-Anon. My Al-Anon sanity date is February 26, 2007. That was the night I went to a couple’s meeting of AA and Al-Anon. I asked the Al-Anon co-host to be my sponsor, and she said yes. And I started actually going to Al-Anon.

I read the above quote this morning in the As Bill Sees It book. I expected the word humility in Steps 6 and 7, and was a little surprised to see it in Step 2. However, it makes sense. When my intellect and self-sufficiency think the great I can take care of all of my problems, I have ceased needing or seeking a Higher Power. I then become completely insane trying to force solutions. All of this was now directed at my loved one’s drinking. After about 6 months of continuous Al-Anon meetings and working with a sponsor, I finally got my first step. This only came after losing my car a couple of more times and getting fired from my job. But alcoholism takes what it takes—both in the alcoholic and the person affected by alcoholism.

Today I rely on a power greater than myself with both my thinking and my actions. I no longer live in the delusion that I can change another person. I can love a problem drinker without becoming a part of their disease. In my case, my loved one never stopped drinking and is now growing older in his disease. And I am also growing older in my recovery from the effects of someone else’s drinking. Thank you, God, for this healing.

Note: If you are an AA member who is struggling with another’s drinking, there is hope. If you are not ready to go to an Al-Anon meeting, there are great daily readers to throw into the mix of your morning meditation. I suggest both the Courage to Change as well as the Hope for Today books. I have also written a daily reader based on my experiences as a sober woman who goes to Al-Anon, With Gratitude, A Journey in Recovery. A free sample is available on Amazon: