The Interested Observer

Walking with sponsees

“We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.”

-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 164

I had the luck and privilege of attending a different meeting yesterday. I have just begun my summer off and really enjoy going to different meetings, particularly daytime meetings. This meeting was recommended to me by a woman in the program who has made great strides in her step work and whom I feel has had that change in her personality sufficient to overcome alcoholism. When I saw her this week, I continued to be amazed by her. She has changed so much in the last year. And why? Because she is almost done with Step Nine. She shares openly about making direct amends and the fears that come up when anticipating the next amends. Powerful.

There is another woman in my life who is new. She relapsed and has been back for a few months. She is dead serious about her program now after experiencing more losses as a result of her relapse of a year and a half. She is such a good reminder to me that AA is not necessarily a revolving door. Our alcoholic mind tells us that if we pick up a drink, it’s okay—we will just come right back to AA. This is so often not the case. We are not done drinking until the drink is done with us.

I drive this newfound friend to meetings. It has been such a pleasure to get to know her and to realize once again that alcoholics are amazing people when we are sober and working a program. It is so easy to get down in the dumps about drinkers who do so little for their sobriety—and the selfish and self-centered results of such nonrecovery. However, the newcomers who really try? A breath of fresh air.

I asked her (really told her) that we would be going to a meeting in a nearby city. It was in the downtown area at a vintage Lutheran church. We were greeted by a man I know well and love. As we entered the church basement, I saw others I knew—and several new faces as well. It was a fantastic meeting and I will go back. We studied and shared on the Big Book, which in my experience is sharing on the Steps and recovery itself.

After the meeting, my friend and I got in the car and drove by the corner where a few of these friends were standing in conversation and smoking. We waved at them and drove by. They waved back with joy. What an amazing experience. That is Alcoholics Anonymous.

I have learned in this program to be an interested observer. As we were driving by these men yesterday, I observed the simple joy of the fellowship. I watched for just a few seconds and took in how important this time after the meeting is. I remembered my own experiences as a smoker standing around and talking to other smokers after the meeting.

As a sponsor, I am also an interested observer—no more, no less. These women have to find their own way through recovery. I am simply their guide through the Twelve Steps. I am not their mama, I am not their savior. Thanks to my Steps in Al-Anon and a better understanding from the Big Book, I can truly let these ladies live their own lives without trying to manage or control the outcome. I can watch. I can listen. I can learn from them. One day at a time and with God’s never-ending assistance, I try to not walk behind them, pushing them forward; nor do I attempt to walk in front of them, pulling them into a space they are simply not ready to enter. No, as the interested observer, I watch and guide. And learn. I apply what I learn from these women to my own recovery. Most importantly, I am brought back to the humility of my own early years of recovery. I can have compassion for them just as I have compassion for myself for all of the highs and lows, successes and mistakes of my early recovery. God gives me that perspective.

Learning to be the interested observer applies then to all other people in my life. I can observe the people in my family, the people at work, the people at meetings, or just people at the grocery store or in traffic. They are people just like me—all on their own journey of life and self-discovery. People having good days, people having bad days. People who are aware of a Higher Power, people still trying to live life by self-propulsion. Watching and learning. Letting go.