The Living Problem

Where in the Big Book? Part 3

“…we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it”

-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 25 (“There is a Solution” Step One)

“…that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all of my problems”

-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 13 (“Bill’s Story” Step One)

I picked up my first drank at age 15. I was out to dinner with my parents in downtown Chicago. We were seated outside and it was a beautiful spring day. My future stepdad had just moved to Lincoln Park and my mom and he were getting married in June. I was allowed to order a drink and ordered a wine spritzer. And that was the first and last drink I had for a couple of years. In fact, my drinking was never what an A.A. would consider “alcoholic” through high school or college or even through my mid-20’s. I was a binge drinker only, but I did do some really stupid things while drunk—things that normal people would never do. But if you looked at my drinking back then, you would think it was honestly no big deal compared to most people who end up on A.A.

I did not have much of a drinking problem back then, but I sure had a living problem. Since I was a little girl I have always felt different than other people. I never felt that I fit in, even with my own family. I had a constant feeling of being apart from other people. The things I did to feel a part of were outrageous and often illegal. I just wanted to feel loved and accepted by others. This constant need for love and attention—and the lengths I would go to achieve it—is how I identify as codependent and qualify for Al-Anon. Even before drinking became the more obvious problem, life was too much for me to handle. I would become very depressed as all of my attempts to find people to love and accept me failed. I had no God working in my life, so all I had was self. When I had done things that were actually illegal in this attempt, I would have such bad remorse that I was suicidal. I had no solution to fix me—suicide seemed to be my only way out of the pain.

When I finally ended up in Alcoholics Anonymous, I honestly felt that I had struck gold. All of my other attempts to fix myself had failed miserably. I didn’t know then what I know now—I can’t fix self with self. I suddenly had a fellowship and a way out through the Twelve Steps. I had a sponsor who was there for me—always. I had real friends who cared for me no matter what I was going through. Why? Because they were going through it too. In A.A. I found an answer to my living problem.

Alcohol is not our problem. Living life is our problem. Bill Wilson speaks about a design for living that works in rough going in his story. We come to A.A. because of the drinking, but realize that the drinking is just a symptom of a much larger living problem. This fact is presented clearly in all of the Twelve Steps, but I would like to highlight a couple of places in the Big Book that talk specifically about what our problem is (and the solution).

In Step Four, resentment is described as the number one offender. “It destroys more alcoholics than anything else” (p. 64). It is the resentments, the repeated misery of feeling the outrage and the emotions of a grudge that is killing me. Because of these resentments, I have no choice but to pick up a drink again and again to repress these emotions. I cannot stand nor can I live with powerful negative emotions. And the Big Book is clear in its deadly warning: my resentments will kill me. They will destroy me.

My own failure to address my resentments has created my living problem. I cannot be free of the anger. I have to get rid of the feelings, and that is why I keep picking up anything that will help me feel differently, even if it’s just for a few hours. And once the drink or the drug wears off and the resentment resurfaces and I just can’t get it out of my spinning head, I have to try to drink more or use more just to get even again. It is a horrible process of trying to repress my emotions.

This is exactly why resentments are the number one offender. And what the book is indirectly stating is that alcohol is not the real offender—resentment is. Because if resentment is number one, where does that leave alcohol? Well, it is not the number one problem. Remember, our drinking was just a symptom of a larger living problem. And here we have it in black and white on page 64.

This is why I put so much time and energy into inventory. I live in the world and in relationship with other people: my family, romantic partners, colleagues—and with these relationships come opportunities for giving and receiving resentments. In the nightly inventory I explore daily resentments and gives myself the opportunity to make them right—right now! But when things pile up—which they often do—then a full fourth step resentment, fear, and sex harms inventory is required. And then a fifth step and another chance to review my flaws in six and seven. And of course amends in eight and nine.

Dear readers, this is the ONLY way I have stayed alive and sober for the past 19 years. It is the only way I have been able to achieve a conscious contact with God on a daily basis for all of these years. It is the only way I have been able to experience serenity daily. My mind is out to kill me. These Steps are my only way out.

I find a lot of hope and relief in the Tenth Step Promises, which is another place in our beloved Big Book where I find the living problem. These promises suggest that I have ceased fighting anything or anyone—even alcohol. You see? Fighting alcohol and drugs is secondary. It is the fight in my head against resentment and fear that I will cease fighting by staying in the work. The work will allow me to stay clear and free with all people and circumstances that crop up— and try on a daily basis—to take me out.

How much do I want to stay sober today? How free do I want to be in this world? Do I care? Yes, I do care. The life I have had a taste of for the past two decades convinces me that there is a better way—but there is also a price to pay for this life. This price is much cheaper than the costly old way of just getting by. I choose life today.