“The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 83
Once I have finished my formal Steps 1-9, what is next? The Big Book says that we have now entered the world of the Spirit. That our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. Step Ten is a great way to grow. We grow by watching for the hurtful and careless things we do and say and then become willing to correct these behaviors immediately.
The good news is that we got plenty of practice doing this in Step Nine. And if you are anything like me, that was a pretty humbling process. After I finished my last personal amends, I was a lot more careful to watch what I said and did, especially when my actions would affect others in a negative way.
I must continue to watch for four things: selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. It became pretty obvious to me that I was full of all of these qualities—the proof was in my Fourth Step Inventory. I must stay awake to my normal state of selfishness. If I am still living in the delusion that I am a pretty decent and selfless person, I am simply not going to recognize my selfishness and how I tend to use others for my own ends. A good sponsor can help me recognize my selfishness, especially at the beginning. And our Higher Power shows us when we seek his will for our lives. Dishonesty will also crop up, because I am not cured of alcoholism. I have a daily reprieve. If I am asleep, I won’t recognize my dishonest motives or the outright dishonesty in my words and actions. If I am acting out of self, the ego will hide my dishonesty even from me.
When I was a few years sober, a situation came up with another teacher at work. Her child was in my class and it appeared that this young lady had plagiarized her essay. I definitely had the proof and disciplined her. Well, her mother was none too pleased about this. She requested that we have a meeting in the principal’s office, since this had the potential to become an HR issue. I was resentful and afraid. I did not care for this woman and was ready to defend my position 100%.
She proceeded to tell the principal that it seemed like I was holding her daughter to a different standard than the other students. She had discussed this with the other students in my class and even their parents. I was livid! How dare she! This situation was clearly the mother’s fault for enabling her own daughter to cheat and then backing her up with whatever weapons she could.
And then something happened. I paused. And I said this: I think you may be right. I may have been holding your daughter to a different standard. And I apologized to her.
I was completely shocked with the words that came out of my mouth. Then I realized it was God, not me. I had to humble myself and admit she had a point. And then my delusion was smashed. Her daughter may have done the wrong thing, but so had I. And in that moment I made it right. Just like that. I saved myself and my job in that moment. I did not get in trouble. And I demonstrated how this program works to the other two people in that room.
This world falls way short on making amends. When someone really is sorry and expresses their regret with a sincere apology, people have no idea how to respond. That one act completely healed my relationship with that other teacher—a woman who just loved her daughter and wanted her treated fairly. While this woman still drove me nuts for the next seven years I worked at that school, the truth is that I still had a job and was able to detach from her behavior. I was free.
The Tenth Step Promises state that we have (meaning it’s already happening) ceased fighting anything or anyone—even alcohol. My ultimate freedom after making my amends is proof of this. This woman’s behavior no longer dominated me. She could just be herself and I could keep my focus on my own work responsibilities.
Is it worth it to keep practicing these Steps? Absolutely. Freedom is priceless. And problems will come up. But as recovering people, we have a way out—every single time.