The principle of acceptance
No approval required
“The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 30
“We are powerless over alcohol. As long as we persist in the delusion that we can control or cure alcoholism, its symptoms, or its effects, we continue to fight a battle we cannot win.”
-How Al-Anon Works p. 45
Acceptance is the principle behind Step One. If I can finally concede to my innermost self that I am powerless over alcohol, I have then accepted a very hard truth about myself. Without this acceptance, the program does not work. We may sit in meetings and nod our heads, but in our hearts we feel our case is different. There is some lingering notion that I can drink like other people. Or, if an Al-Anon, I may have the lurking suspicion that I really can control a loved one’s drinking if I just try or say the right thing.
Acceptance is difficult. And I have figured out why this is. For years I thought I had to approve of something in order to accept it. If it was not okay with me, then it just wasn’t okay. I could not possibly open my heart to the possibility of reality. I lived in a constant state of delusion—both with my own alcoholism and later with a loved one who drank. I had built a fantasy world in which everything was okay. It was not okay. People around me were screaming trying to make me realize that it was not okay. But for me, this survival strategy was the only way I knew how to deal with overwhelming feelings. I could not feel without it destroying my world. And so I could not face what was real.
I hid from a life I did not approve of. I was extremely immature, self-centered, and self-pitying. When the cracks of truth started staring at me, I played the victim. I just had no way of dealing with life on life’s terms. I would call anyone who would listen and go on and on about how terrible my life was, but all I could do was talk. I could not listen to anyone. My friends and family really tried to tell me the truth—but I just could not hear it.
The most beautiful aspect of the day I got sober was this: I got to start living in reality. I was ready to really see what was going on around me. It was scary. It was overwhelming. And it was real. And real is beautiful. I no longer had to hide in a delusion. In a fantasy world. I learned one day at a time to face a world that for years had been too vivid. I had to be DONE to get to this point. I was tired of being an absolute slave to alcohol. I was tired of living in hiding. I was tired of the fear.
AA meetings became my safe haven. I went to meeting after meeting. I felt loved and accepted. I belonged. I could face the sharp edges of life with this kind of consistent support—a support I allowed myself to have. No one told me to go. No one was keeping track of me. But I was so surrendered and knew alcohol was my master. And that kind of desperation is fantastic. It can move mountains. My crying out to God allowed him to change my life just enough to make recovery possible.
About two years later, when my life became very scary again with my alcoholic loved one’s relapse, I went into the delusion again—but this time only temporarily. My sponsor and friends in AA begged me to go to Al-Anon. And eventually I listened. I set the self-will aside and surrendered to the fact that I could not make him stop drinking, using, and disappearing to the streets. Because I had been living in reality for two years, I knew that my hope lay there—not in my fantasy world. My choice to live in the reality of my loved one’s disease allowed me to learn how deeply affected I had been by alcoholic relationships. I got to learn about this disease from a whole other angle.
I am so grateful for acceptance. Acceptance without my approval. With my continued acceptance of the world exactly as it is, I can open myself up day by day to the God of my understanding. God always meets me just where I am. We walk together through the hard stuff—the really real stuff.