The refund of serenity

I can exchange my ticket to insanity

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real

FEAR: Face Everything and Recover

-popular AA and Al-Anon Acronyms

Last week, I bought a ticket to the circus. And I had a miserable time spending an entire week in the big top. I went back and forth from rage to denial to acceptance. This is how much my circumstances were bothering me. I went to meetings and shared, talked one-on-one with another AA member, prayed, called my AA sponsor, and I could only get very temporary relief. Sometimes life is just like this. And I once again can see just how qualified I am for both of my programs.

After a week of this tug-of-war, I called my Al-Anon sponsor. Overall, I was feeling in much better acceptance of the situation. There was quite literally no way I could get out of my present circumstances unless I wanted to quit my job. As my job provides a most necessary income, quitting at this point was not an option. And I love my job. As a teacher, I do make such a daily difference in the lives of young people—a positive difference.

After my sponsor answered the phone, I immediately told her the truth: I bought a ticket to the circus. To the crazy. The insane. And I let myself go there. I also explained to her the boundaries I had set and how others wanted to smash those boundaries again and again. We talked about the right things I was doing for self-care during this difficult time. I was doing all of the things I needed to in my programs. I shared with her that I decided to delete the email app on my personal device so I wouldn’t see emails that incited this panic in me until I was back at work. She thought this was a very positive boundary.

You see, a lot of the anger I was feeling was anger at myself. I hadn’t protected my days off. I was on vacation when I received the email that caused the initial spin out of control. I was angry at myself for having feelings of intense anger—when I should have been having fun on vacation. I did not want to have these pesky negative feelings.

At the end of our conversation, my sponsor reminded me that not only could I give that ticket to the circus back, but that I could exchange it for a refund: a refund of serenity. I have taken my refund and will treasure it during this challenging time. God’s grace is with me always, and God will make sanity possible.