The rule and not the exception

Saying goodbye to self-deception

“By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic.”

-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 31

I am not the exception—I am the rule.

It has taken years to drill this truth into my head. My big ego loves to convince me of the opposite—that I am so important that I will stand above all others to show my greatness. So important? More like self-important.

The illustration provided by Bill W. in Ch. 3: More About Alcoholism is an important one. For years I tried to prove I was a normal drinker. I tried many of the experiments that follow in Ch. 3. I especially liked the “reading spiritual books”. I read A LOT of Dr. Phil, and it didn’t stop my drinking. I also never drank in the morning. Until I did. I did a lot of important research to prove that I was the exception to the rule—and therefore nonalcoholic. What I got in return for this research was a clear understanding of just how important a role drinking was taking in my life. The progression of my own disease became quite clear. I was the rule—not the exception.

A book on dating was published in 2004 with a humorous, tongue-in-cheek title: He’s Just Not that Into You. For those of us who were Sex in the City fans at the turn of the century, we remember how Carrie’s then love interest, Jack Berger (played by the hilarious Ron Livingston) tells Miranda straight up that the guy she had the great first date with was “just not that into you.” This realization was freeing for the characters on the show. And the readers of the book got the same dose of reality that led to eventual dating freedom: we are the rule, not the exception. A guy you go out with and have a great first date with but then never calls you again is just not that into you. There are no other justifications or rationalizations. We as women like to complicate men—but they are fairly uncomplicated when it comes to women. If a guy is really into a woman, nothing will stop him from dating her!

I used to think I was special at work. So special that I was irreplaceable. Wrong! It turns out that as an employee I am also the rule—not the exception. I have been “let go” from quite a few jobs and even two careers in my wonderful disease—first due to my own drinking and then from my behavior trying to manage and control everything and everybody at work. That was a losing game for me. I was always the one to get fired. Or I would quit right before they would fire me. I didn’t realize that, in their eyes, I was just like every other problem employee—the rule, not the exception. I have a much different attitude about work today. I am 100% expendable. And I don’t say that to be self-deprecating. It is simply a reality check I use to remind myself that I am the rule. I am not that damned special.

In Al-Anon we always hear that “changed attitudes aid recovery.” And that is the truth. It took a long time, but knowing that I am just like everyone else has helped my recovery a great deal. Today I begin my day humble enough to know I am not in charge, nor am I the best. I can accept help from God when my attitude is more humble. I am even with all other people. I will leave with this salient point Bill W. makes in Step Four of the 12x12:

“As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.

To my readers: If you enjoy reading Ask Anonymous and also practice (or wish to practice) a daily time of prayer and meditation, please consider adding my book, With Gratitude, to your morning reading rotation. I wish you all a day of humility, self-respect, and love. -Jamey M.