The Slogans of Non-recovery

Our attempt to control the uncontrollable

“Then it dawned on me that I had been using my own slogans all my life. Unfortunately, these were the slogans of non-recovery. I’d said many of them daily, and I had grown up hearing most of them from alcoholic relatives. They included “you should know how I feel,” “after all I’ve done for you,” “if you really loved me,” “damned if you do, damned if you don’t",” and “I hope you’re happy now.”

-Hope for Today May 5

I was having a very rough morning, having gotten only a minimum of sleep last night, when I woke up at 4am. Oh, to hell with it, I thought, I’ll just get up. 4am is the earliest time I actually allow myself to turn on the light and get out of bed. I did my whole normal routine and then sat down with my coffee to read my AA readings and books. I began today with my nightly review, which was a shitshow of anger and fear. I was so stunned with news received the night before that I forgot to do it. Then I do my normal “On Awakening” pp. 86-88 from the Big Book and then the 24 Hour book.

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Additionally in the rotation are two spiritual readers by Melody Beattie, Emmet Fox (honestly, thank God for Emmet Fox—he is wonderful with spiritual principles), then a Biblical devotional and actual scripture from the Bible (currently reading the Gospel of Matthew and the Psalms and Proverbs) and then after some time praying, and if I still have time, I read my Al-Anon readers. I only have so much time and have decided to focus more on spirituality and spiritual principles at this time of my sobriety, and the Al-Anon readers, which I have read many times, are at the bottom of my list after time in prayer.

The last book I read today was just the one I needed. The Al-Anon daily reader Hope for Today was written specifically for Adult Children of Alcoholics. While I am not an adult child, I did grow up with the insanity of alcoholism due to my dad’s family. He grew up in horrible and abusive alcoholism. We felt the effects of that in our home. But it doesn’t matter who the intended audience is for this powerful reader. I can always relate to it. But today’s reading really made me laugh out loud. I felt a great sense of joy as I recollected how many times I used to use these phrases, usually to make an alcoholic feel guilty about something they were doing to me!

-You should know how I feel!

-After all I’ve done for you!

-If you really loved me!

-Damned if you do, damned if you don’t!

-I hope you’re happy now!

Oh my! When I read that last one, I busted out laughing in my quiet before-sunrise living room. The truth is that the alcoholics in my life are all doing just fine and dandy. I am the one who is miserable! They are happy, but I am not. But the blame and yelling somehow makes us Alanonics feel just a little bit superior to these sorry alcoholics. And yet when we yell and curse these anti-slogans, we are left feeling empty and hopeless. They do not work because of this truth: we are powerless over alcohol. And that means that we are powerless over alcoholics and everything they do and do not do in their disease.

The other anti-slogan that really hit home was the second one, because I do way too much for the alcoholics I love. And usually it is not even what they asked for. I just assume responsibility and am off to the races. Sometimes the alcoholics really appreciate it, but more often than not, they hardly notice and just get on with their lives. As I am an alcoholic myself, I know that I acted like a queen and just expected everyone around me to do my bidding. I was so stuck in selfishness and self-centeredness that I literally could not see anything outside of mySELF.

Even though I still do way too much for alcoholics, I no longer yell and scream at the alcoholic: “After all I’ve done for you!”, but I am certainly thinking it. In my obsessive mind I spin realizing that I have done it yet again. Taking responsibility for those who really need to take responsibility for themselves. It’s not my deal—it’s theirs. And I know better. I know that doing for alcoholics what they should actually be doing for themselves takes away their dignity. And when I do this, they usually end up resenting the hell out of me. It is indeed a terrible cycle. Because the alcoholic is extremely needy and dependent—on us. And we in return are dependent on their love and approval. It is a zero-sum game but no one is the victor. We both lose.

In our attempt to make everything just right for the alcoholic, what we are actually doing is attempting to control. Control the disease of alcoholism. And it is an illusion. There is no controlling this cunning, baffling, and terrible disease. The problem becomes that when I spend all of my time trying to control the alcoholic, I actually end up under his control. He’s got me right where he wants me, and I can’t figure a way out of the escape room.

So what is the opposite of all of these anti-slogans and their attempts to control the uncontrollable? I have five suggestions, which came from Al-Anon’s wonderful meeting in print, The Forum:

-Get off his back.

-Get out of his way.

-Give him to God.

-Get to a meeting.

-Get on with your life.

Amen.