The Survival Skill of Denial

Awareness that leads to genuine change

“We are seeking genuine change, not denial. And the first step in changing our negative attitudes is becoming aware of them, a process that rarely happens overnight.”

-How Al-Anon Works (Ch. 10: Changed Attitudes)

I became a victim at an early age. My family moved frequently, and I ended up at a junior high school on the other side of town. I lost all of my friends and had to start all over—again. This had happened every two years from the age of 5. My dad changed jobs frequently and we packed up and left as soon as the school year ended.

I used to share the story of my ever-changing childhood with a sense of pride. I had overcome this obstacle time and time again. Adjusting to a new home—a house, a trailer, an apartment. Adjusting to a new school with new peers, teachers, and buildings. I was so proud of the fact that I was outgoing enough to always make new friends and become the teacher’s pet, because I really loved school and learning.

So when once again I was starting a new school at the age of 12, I knew I could make new friends and somehow make this change work—yet again. But what happened at that school was so unimaginably traumatic that I am very lucky to have survived those two years from hell. The kids at the school decided they didn’t like me and targeted me brutally and endlessly. There were about 4 main instigators, but they did a great job gaining other kids to their side, and, before I knew it, I had bullies in every single class, at lunch, before school, after school. It was a miserable experience. My parents had no idea. They were going through marital problems that eventually resulted in their separation and divorce during these same two years.

My mom moved out and I was left with a father who was emotionally destroyed. Our little family was barely surviving. Only once when my attackers broke into my house and vandalized it did my dad get a small clue of what had been going on with me at that school. But nothing changed. I did not get any help, because we were too busy simply surviving. Dad never talked to the school authorities. Mom was temporarily out of the picture. I was on my own.

My childhood was inappropriate for children.

So when I became a young adult and started having a lot of problems with my mental health (major depression) and eventually with alcohol and the many negative behaviors that came about because of my drinking, I still could not put two and two together to see how my childhood trauma was affecting my adult life. I absolutely denied that the torture of persistent bullying had affected me in the long term. In fact, I was full of pride for having overcome such a horrific time in my life.

I stuffed it, crammed it, and jammed the pain deep down inside. I even glossed over it in my first fourth step inventory. It just didn’t seem like a big deal compared to the adult problems I created due to my drinking. Those were the pressing problems I had to have God’s help with. After all, the bullying occurred two decades earlier.

Then a couple of things happened that cracked open all of the resistance I had to healing over this childhood trauma. The first was that I became a sober teacher. I became a real grown-up and not the stunted adolescent I was during the first 13 years of my teaching career. As a sober teacher, I was around kids every day and really got to know them. They were just slightly older than me when the bullying happened. When they would come to me and share that they were being bullied, my own experience was uncovered. I could no longer deny its effects on me. So I started sharing my experience, strength, and hope with these children. Most of the time it was one-on-one sharing. Sometimes it was with parents who were at the end of their rope. And sometimes it was with an entire class or the entire school.

As I began to discover the power behind my own story, I could effectively help these kids. I let them know that they could always come to me and share what was going on and that we would work towards a solution with other qualified adults in the school. I was able to use my dark past to help other people going through it in the present time.

Another result of the cracking open of my denial was that I was able to link constant and persistent bullying from my childhood to the persistent low self-esteem I carried as an adult. My self-esteem was so low that I completely chose the wrong men in my life. I chose men who had addiction problems and would often hurt me when they were drunk or dry. I chose very angry men who had little peace in their lives.

What I realize today is that the denial was even more dangerous than the original victimization. The denial caused far more years of damage than the two years of bullying ever did. I pretended it didn’t matter. I pretended I was strong. I pretended that as an adult, I was automatically more powerful. I certainly didn’t need to focus on a past that was well behind me.

Boy, was I ever wrong. The damage was so pervasive that I never felt truly worthy of love; the love of a good man who was willing to work on himself just as I was. I also never felt worthy of love from God. The voices in my head kept telling me that, yes, I would give back to both of my programs, but do not even try to have a good life for yourself, Jamey, because you just don’t deserve it.

I used the survival skill of denial for over 35 years, which includes over a decade in sobriety. No more. The bullying really hurt and I can be real about how it has affected my entire life in a tragic way. However, bringing my denial to the surface has enabled me to move on—I am now neutral and view my entire life as hopeful. And God really does love me. He was by my side through all of the childhood and adult trauma. And he is also with me in this powerful recovery.